Summer bod coming along well? Seeing nice results at the gym? Awesome, happy for you, prepare to feel as soft as baby shit.
*Jon Gruden gets boner spanning from sea to shining sea*
“I’ll tell ya what man, boner city, great stuff, man.” Can’t blame Gruden on this one. Madness. Absolute madness. These hips could tear down cities. We could use them as a defense mechanism against Isis. You get smacked with one hip thrust from James Harrison and it’ll send you from New York to LA quicker than Delta ever could, even before they were beating up people in coach. Like to say that this is borderline obscene would be like saying Obama only dabbled a handful of times with dubbies in high school. Bull fucking shit, Barry O was a god damn chimney in high school and this shit, that I guess we’ll consider exercise, is absolutely unfathomable. So many questions we could ask from this Insagram post, you could literally open libraries filled to the brim with them. For example, who in God’s name wakes up in the morning and decides that they’re gonna hump out 5 reps of 695 pounds of iron? That thought alone should have laws against it. Also, what kind of 39 year old man does this? If your 39 years old, the hardest workout of your day should consist of lifting up the hangers of the different colored golf polos you want from TJ Maxx and/or Marshall’s (depending on personal preference). You should legitimately be in discount retail stores, James Harrison, this is insanity. Working out like this is so ungodly it makes my stomach ache out of complete and utter respect. You could be 65, speak 8 languages, ruled more than one country, made love to the most beautiful models, conquered the Roman Empire- doesn’t matter. You get one glimpse of this Instagram, your ass Benjamin Button’s straight back to a child. James Harrison is in such a high class on the man scale that Clint Eastwood is actually considered the opposite sex up there.
This guy is just an absolute man amongst boys to put it in simplest words. We all have to come together and use his powers for good. Harrison’s lower torso, if not now, soon will be considered the most lethal weapon on the face of the Earth. What’s that? Skeptics I’m hearing?? Show me one James Harrison in North Korea and I’ll stop talking…
Oh, and someone tell Shakira she lost her hips gig, thanks.