The Performance of Yankee First Basemen This Year Would Make Don Mattingly Roll Over In His Grave

First of all, I know Don Mattingly is technically still alive. But when you go from being the star first baseman for the New York Yankees to managing the Miami Marlins, you probably die a little inside. Anyway, to say the Yankees’ first basemen this year have not performed up to the standards of Don Mattingly is like saying Golden Grahams isn’t as good as Cinnamon Toast Crunch. They are so inferior that it actually makes you angry they pretend to be the same thing. I wouldn’t even call Chris Carter Golden Grahams, he’s more like Raisin Bran without any raisins.

Greg Bird came into the season as the starting first baseman after a huge spring training in which he hit .451 with 8 home runs, both team highs. However, he has started the season an abysmal 6-60, with three of the six hits coming in the same game against the Cardinals. He was placed on the DL on May 3rd after reportedly dealing with an ankle injury that he sustained late in spring training. Hopefully, the time off will help Bird return to his 2015 form, when he hit 11 home runs in just 46 games. This would complete the Yankees’ three-headed monster of young bats, along with Aaron Judge and Gary Sanchez.

As far as Bird’s replacement, Chris Carter, there isn’t much to say. This guy somehow led the NL in home runs last year, even though he did bat .222. I would take that for a backup first baseman, but Carter hasn’t even been hitting homers this year- he has only 2 in 28 games to go along with a .213 average. There have been some Yankees over the years whose presence in games just really pisses me off. Tanyon Sturtze coming in to pitch in 2005, A-Rod batting in any non-2009 playoff game, and now Chris Fucking Carter coming to bat. People are always talking about how to speed up MLB games, and I’ve got a great idea. Just charge the Yankees with an out every time Carter comes up to bat. I don’t need to waste any more time watching this guy try to bat. If I wanted to see someone attempt things they can’t possibly achieve, I’d watch a Mets game.

So please, get better Greg Bird. It’s what Donnie Baseball would have wanted.

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