The University of Maryland Announces First-Annual Valedicktorian

The University of Maryland is proud to announce their first-annual Valedicktorian, with the esteemed recipient being ‘future CEO’ Gio Managadze.

The University outlined the qualifications as follows:

  • Must not have any respect for the vast amounts of money that your parents have spent the better part of their adult lives saving for you
  • Must have an ego unproportionally large in comparison to your micro-penis
  • Must think of yourself as the most logical, fearless individual on the planet, while simultaneously looked upon as an irrational, conceited, unappreciative, and attention-seeking prick by the vast majority of the internet
  • Must write in the most overtly douchey style possible
  • Must give the university at least $150k, yet may not attend over 25% of courses or earn a degree

The University supports Gio in his quest to shut up the haters and conquer Silicon Valley! We are confident that his Valedicky personality will translate beautifully to the professional world!


While giving his online commencement speech to the world through an open LinkedIn letter, Valedicktorian Gio displayed his vast wisdom at the ripe young age of 20-something, providing the internet with some truly remarkable quotes.

“Fear? 

What is fear?

Fear doesn’t make any sense to me.

Fear is not an emotion. 

You can’t feel fear. 

Fear is all in your head.

If it’s in your head that means you can completely block it out.”

It may be easy to not be scared of anything when you live the life of Gio, but to put this message out to the world, and basically shame all those who posses fear, is ludicrous.  If I could talk to Gio, I would ask him to convince a young child in Syria, who fears for their life every single day, that “Fear is all in your head.”  Actually, fuck that.

I want Gio to look THIS KID RIGHT HERE in the eyes, and convince him that any and all of his fears are in his head.  If he could do that, well then damnit I’ll drop out and invest the rest of my college tuition into whatever his absurd mind oh so desires.

When this kid started saying that he “give[s] [the University of Maryland] zero credit for [his] education,” and claims that the only people who have contributed to his success are the likes of Ellen, Eminem, and Busta Rhymes, he completely lost me.  UMD is full of amazing professors, many of whom could have changed his life, but he would have never known because he “almost never went to any class ever after freshman year.”  

Then again I do not know if any UMD professor could compare in inspiration to Eminem when he said, “I’m sorry Puff but I don’t give a fuck if this chick was my own mother / I’d still fuck her with no rubber and cum inside her and have a son and a new brother at the same time / And just say that it ain’t mine, what’s my name.”

This felt like a long article, but turns out its only about 17% as long as Gio’s, I suppose making me only 17% of a d-bag.

P.S. Considering UMD does not have a Valedictorian, you and I are just as much the valedictorian as Gio supposedly was

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