You Know What Really Grinds My Gears…
But specifically, iPhones.
Because of how fucking EXTRA they are.
Like honestly, Apple, was it really that fucking necessary to remove that little jack that every goddamn pair of headphones/earbuds fits into? I actually couldn’t believe that when I first heard it. And then I got myself an iPhone 7, because as fucked as iPhones are, Androids and whatever other smartphones are out nowadays are more fucked than a Brazzers video.
Side note/tangent: Androids literally remind me of those dope T-Mobile sidekicks back in the day, but also kind of remind me of a Gameboy Advance. I don’t know why this comparison makes sense to me, but honestly “sense” is a relative term, and nowadays nothing really seems to make much sense. Like honestly, WHAT THE FUCK IS A FIDGET SPINNER?!?
Back to Apple.
Of course I was going to get the iPhone 7, because iPhones literally work for your 1st year and then in year 2 (standard data plans), the Apple company actually guarantees that you will need a new phone (has anyone in modern history ever had a phone last longer than 2 years? And at the end of the 2 years, it always seems as if my phone is “still alive but barely breathing” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yZ1uI5yPbY; this song honestly is not that chill, but everyone and their fucking mother knows it, and it’s really good to listen to if you’re trying to cry and get depressed). So anyway, when I got home from the Verizon store, because fucking Apple makes you place reservations like it’s fucking P.F. Chang’s just to ask a fucking question, I began to take all the shit out of the box that comes with an iPhone.
You know what’s in the box, right? The phone, a charging chord, the cube/brick/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit thing, but then something new appeared; called a splitter, its this small ass wire that you can attach to non-apple headphones/ear buds and aux chords for them to be compatible with the iPhone 7.
Wait…so you’re saying that if I don’t have this microscopic splitter thing, which is so easily identifiable as something that you will, without a doubt, wager your fucking house on it it’s so fucking obvious, lose, I can’t listen to music or play some fucking fire on the aux?
Oh, and also, YOU CAN’T EVEN LISTEN TO MUSIC WHILE CHARGING YOUR PHONE!
YOUR PHONE BATTERY IS NOT THAT GOOD STOP GASSING YOURSELVES UP LIKE YOU FOUND THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH YOU’RE A COMPANY NOT FUCKING MARCO POLO!
Do you know how much it fucking sucks to be on the A train subway that’s more packed than most WNBA games in the middle of a New York City Summer that’s hotter than the Warriors sandwiched in between a crackhead asking me for my fucking Nature Valley bar and some old shmuck reading the Wall Street Journal directly over my leg WITHOUT Rapcaviar on Spotify? Like, I had low battery, and I need my phone for work because I run around New York City, like I’m fucking Joseph Gordon Levitt from that bike delivery movie (Premium Rush; don’t waste your time, horrible fucking movie, to the point where I’d be wasting both our times giving you any sort of synopsis), all day delivering packages to places I’ve never been so I need Waze, because Google Maps gives worse fucking directions than whoever told Christopher Columbus that India was in the fucking Atlantic ocean.
Speaking on behalf of all of #TEAMIPHONE, fuck you Apple.