Why Living in South Jersey Sucks if You Aren’t a Philly Sports Fan

I’m just gonna come straight out and say it; Philadelphia sports fans are the cancer in the sports world. Forget PED’s, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, and the Golden State Warriors, it’s the Philadelphia fans that take the cake.

If you’re not a Philly sports fan, first off, congratulations. You aren’t one of the several people who swear a rookie quarterback (Carson Wentz) who had a 16/14 TD/INT ratio walks on water. You don’t obnoxiously screech “TRUST THE PROCESS” every chance you have like Cartman did with cursing in the episode of South Park when he gave himself Tourettes. And that’s only the beginning.

For starters, every Philly team sucks. The Phillies haven’t been remotely relevant since players like Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee and Shane Victorino (who was definitely off the shits with Adderall to help control his “ADHD”. You weren’t slick Shane, you weren’t slick) were on the roster.

After their World Series victory in 2008, (which was nine years ago for all of the butt hurt ten year-olds in my Twitter mentions every time I tweet something remotely negative about the Phillies) the Phils went into a mildly slow downward spiral. 2009: lost to the New York Yankees in the World Series. 2010: lost to the San Francisco Giants in the NLCS. 2011: lost to the St. Louis Cardinals in the NLDS. 2012: finished 81-81. Since then, their best record was 73-89, including 4-straight below .500 seasons. The Phillies suck.

The next team I’m going to slander: The Eagles. Not only are you the worst fans in the NFL, you also just suck in every category there is. Jason Peters is a washed tackle at best, and Fletcher Cox goes offsides at least twice a game. Alshon Jeffery is not that good, and don’t get me started on how good Wentz would be if only he “had weapons.”

A 3-0 start every season doesn’t mean anything when you’re in Philadelphia, because the second you lose back to back weeks early on, you swear it’s over. To be fair, it always does signal the beginning of the end for you guys. However, that’s no way to act. In week 5 of the 2016 season, the Eagles lost in the final seconds of the game on a Darius Slay interception of Carson Wentz, handing the Eagles their first loss of the season. I couldn’t tell you the amount of “Here we fucking go again” tweets I saw on my timeline. For Christ’s sake, you were 3-1 (week 4 bye) and still in first place for your sorry ass division.

I’m barely gonna badger the Flyers, no Stanley cups in over 40 years and you guys rudely pissed away the coach who battled Sidney Crosby (who cries during sex) and the Penguins to game 6 (being down 2-0) with a team who should not have gone as far as they did.

The Sixers have been historically bad for awhile. Yes, Dr. J and The Answer were both legends, but that’s about it. Simmons hasn’t played a second in the NBA, while Embiid has more tweets than he does minutes on the court since being drafted four years ago. Fultz is a good choice at #1 overall, although I personally don’t think he’s the final piece in “rebuilding the process”, whatever the fuck that means. As a Detroit fan, I get shit from almost everyone I went to school with. It’s always “Your city’s bankrupt!”, “Detroit’s so scummy!”, etc. Listen to me, while half of that may be true, we’re historically better in every sport, and are currently even or better in each sport, varying with each sport. “Lions blew the snow bowl in 2013!”, “Matt Stafford sucks!”, “The Pistons are ass!”, “Who the fuck throws an octopus on an ice rink?” Trust me, I don’t fully understand that last one either, but hey, that’s better than having a man in a giant green suit supposedly from the Galápagos Islands (I bet half of Philadelphia fans can’t even spell Galápagos) as a mascot.
Bottom line, Philly fans are to the sports world what coleslaw is to sides at restaurants; No one wants/likes you. I hate you, coleslaw. And I hate you too, Philly fans.

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