It’s almost that time of year again. That wonderful time where every Sunday, you and your friends gather around to watch/scream at the TV depending on the performance of various NFL players who have no idea they are on your fantasy team. No matter what’s going on at school or work, in your love life, or whether or not the cops found that dead body you buried by the lake (don’t worry I won’t tell anyone), nothing can affect your mood quite as quickly as Fantasy Football.
I’ve been playing Fantasy since I was in 4th grade, or over 11 years for those of you scoring at home. Nowadays, some people opt for daily fantasy football through sites like DraftKings (free ad plug you guys are welcome). These are the same people that won’t have a few beers during the Thursday night game because they “have class tomorrow.” REAL Fantasy Football players draft their team before the season, tirelessly scour the waiver wire, and don’t call their friends during the season for any reason other than proposing a trade. If you want to win your league like I did last year (humble brag), you need to follow these pieces of advice:
Don’t Worry About Drafting Running Backs, You Can Always Trade For One Later
If you look at a lot of these “expert” mock drafts, you’ll notice a bunch of running backs taken in the first round. Guys like David Johnson, Le’Veon Bell, and Ezekiel Elliott are consensus Top-5 picks on sites like ESPN. These experts are FAKE NEWS. Running backs are a huge waste of a first-round pick. You need to target kickers early. Remember, every kicker can run with a football in their hands, but no running back can kick a 50-yard field goal. Besides, most running backs come with off-the-field issues. Just last week, Elliott got into a bar fight that could leave him suspended. When was the last time you saw Patriots kicker Stephen Gostowski in the news for something like that? Or heard of any Patriots player acting violently for that matter?
Your Quarterback Needs to Be a Social Activist
When picking your fantasy quarterback, you’re gonna want to pay less attention to what he did on the field and more attention to what he did off of it. Sure, Aaron Rodgers was technically the highest-scoring QB in fantasy last year, but that only tells part of the story. His brother, Jordan, won The Bachelorette just last year, getting engaged to the beautiful Joelle Fletcher.
Now you may be wondering, what does this have to do with Aaron Rodgers? Well, Bachelor in Paradise, a Bachelorette spin-off, just had a sexual assault accusation scandal. We all know how seriously Commissioner Goodell takes sexual assault allegations, and Aaron’s lucky there was no weed involved here. There hasn’t been and never will be a potential sex abuser holding the Lombardi, that much we can be sure of.
Dilemmas like Rodgers’ are why you want to pick a high-character guy like Colin Kaepernick as your quarterback. Kaepernick heroically took a knee during the National Anthem last season to protest that players had to stand for the entire anthem when they had a long game ahead of them. This kind of guy is who you want as the face of your fantasy franchise, and will get you tons of points in the “character” department (most leagues have added this to their scoring.) Don’t be scared off by his pedestrian stats or the fact that no NFL teams have signed him yet, if Kaepernick isn’t the first quarterback off the board in your league, your friends are probably more concerned with rolling doobies than they are winning fantasy football games.
No Draft Pick isn’t Worth a 30 of Natty Light
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Isn’t it counter-productive to trade my first-round pick for beer when I can just buy some myself? No, no it is not. Here’s why. Beer fuels decision making. Every great NFL coach has been an alcoholic. Vince Lombardi owned five pubs in the Green Bay area. Bill Parcells was the first person to ever shotgun a beer. And do you really think Bill Belichick isn’t drunk off his ass every game he coaches?
So those 30 beers may cost you a shot at Odell Beckham jr., but who knows what kind of genius decisions they will allow you to make?
BYE Weeks Are a Myth
You might also see a lot of these fantasy “experts” say not to draft too many guys at the same position with the same BYE week. Well, I got news for ya. BYE weeks aren’t real, they’re a bunch of liberal bullshit. You mean to tell me these guys are getting paid millions of dollars, to NOT play football? Nice try, Hillary, but I’m not buying this for one second. If you take Antonio Brown out of your lineup just because it’s the Steelers’ “bye week,” you’re as big of a sucker as anyone who’s ever bought an Android phone.
Focus on Having FUN!
As much as everything I’ve said up to this point matters, the real key to winning your fantasy league is to just have fun with it. Doesn’t it seem like successful NFL players like Tom Brady are always having fun? Well that’s why they win. They don’t want to have to make millions of dollars and sleep with the most beautiful girls on Earth, but that’s what it takes to bring them the joy necessary to win football games. These guys will sacrifice ANYTHING for the team, even if it means buying another million-dollar home on Nantucket. Focus on having fun, and you, too will be buying Nantucket homes with your fantasy football winnings.
*I am not legally liable for your performance in any fantasy football leagues*