Gisele Speaks… NFL cringes

Oh Gisele, you are better than that. Earlier this week when the supermodel/supermom/superwife announced that her husband, Jesus Christ… I mean Tom Brady had played the 2016-17 season with a concussion all the NFL could do was cringe. It seems as if every year the NFL botches some form of an investigation relating to player safety, cheating, or ya know, basic humanity (@ every NFL player who has been given a slap on the wrist for domestic violence).

Gisele uttering about Tommy Traffic’s head injury

This year, Gisele is coming in hot, and even though her interview with CBS Boston doesn’t sound like she knows a lick about concussions, or football for that matter, the fact that she spewed this information is the perfect diving board for the media to use to bait the NFL to looking stupid being that they now have to launch another investigation.

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↑↑↑ @ NFL ↑↑↑

At this point I wonder why the NFL even bothers with any of this nonsense anymore. A player’s wife crying concussion should have absolutely no grounds to launch an investigation, especially one that everyone knows the answer to. The Brady side has already come out trying to erase the slipup by Gisele. The Patriots have said there has been no reports of head injuries to Brady. Brady’s agent has agreed. It didn’t look like Brady was hindered by any type of injury, protocal, or defense last season either. Barring anything wild happening everyone and their mother knows that Brady’s medical records will come back clean. The only matter more certain than Brady not being concussed is that the NFL, once again, is wasting their time on a situation that the media has dubbed a scandal.

Being that this will be the second loss the NFL is about to take to Brady this year (Deflategate obviously being the first) you can now pencil Brady beating 4 teams twice this year, the Jets, Bills, Dolphins, and the NFL.

Sweet Mother of Christ, James Harrison: Episode 6,984

Summer bod coming along well? Seeing nice results at the gym? Awesome, happy for you, prepare to feel as soft as baby shit.

*Jon Gruden gets boner spanning from sea to shining sea*

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“I’ll tell ya what man, boner city, great stuff, man.” Can’t blame Gruden on this one. Madness. Absolute madness. These hips could tear down cities. We could use them as a defense mechanism against Isis. You get smacked with one hip thrust from James Harrison and it’ll send you from New York to LA quicker than Delta ever could, even before they were beating up people in coach. Like to say that this is borderline obscene would be like saying Obama only dabbled a handful of times with dubbies in high school. Bull fucking shit, Barry O was a god damn chimney in high school and this shit, that I guess we’ll consider exercise, is absolutely unfathomable. So many questions we could ask from this Insagram post, you could literally open libraries filled to the brim with them. For example, who in God’s name wakes up in the morning and decides that they’re gonna hump out 5 reps of 695 pounds of iron? That thought alone should have laws against it. Also, what kind of 39 year old man does this? If your 39 years old, the hardest workout of your day should consist of lifting up the hangers of the different colored golf polos you want from TJ Maxx and/or Marshall’s (depending on personal preference). You should legitimately be in discount retail stores, James Harrison, this is insanity. Working out like this is so ungodly it makes my stomach ache out of complete and utter respect. You could be 65, speak 8 languages, ruled more than one country, made love to the most beautiful models, conquered the Roman Empire- doesn’t matter. You get one glimpse of this Instagram, your ass Benjamin Button’s straight back to a child. James Harrison is in such a high class on the man scale that Clint Eastwood is actually considered the opposite sex up there.

This guy is just an absolute man amongst boys to put it in simplest words. We all have to come together and use his powers for good. Harrison’s lower torso, if not now, soon will be considered the most lethal weapon on the face of the Earth. What’s that? Skeptics I’m hearing?? Show me one James Harrison in North Korea and I’ll stop talking…

Thought so.

Oh, and someone tell Shakira she lost her hips gig, thanks.

Can’t Tell if This Girl Who Called Out Her Cheating Boyfriend at Prom is a Boss Ass Bitch or Just a Buzzkill

Prom is probably the only thing I miss from high school aside from high school sports. Getting dressed to the nines with your boys, eating some dope ass food, and just having an overall fun time. Girls always got a little more worked up about prom than us guys did, between looking for dresses, “prom dieting”, and just general girl drama. However, this chick took it to another level after getting cheated on by her boyfriend. Take a look.

Pretty ballsy move. Didn’t understand what the fuck getting in a car crash had to do with anything, but seems like an overall shitty week for this girl. Not really sure what to think about this honestly. On the one hand, good for her for calling this guy out, cheating is way too common these days. Then again, these kids are freaking seniors in high school. Odds are they were about to break up anyway, and unless they’re one of those couples who dated for the entirety of high school, she may have went a little over the top. This kid seems like he’s gonna be just fine though, as he looked unphased to the point where it’s debatable whether or not this was staged. This kid fucks, give him a bid.

When 4/5 bets in a parlay hit and the last one misses

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Should the Cubs Be Concerned?

The magic that seemed to propel the Cubs through the strong National League last year has evidently worn off here in 2017.  They are 21-19 and 2 games behind the Milwaukee Brewers in the NL Central.  The question is: Is it time for Cubs fan to bite their nails?

Before you make the argument, “Oh, it’s only May, there’s still 120 games left”, let me take you through some stats:

Ben Zobrist (World Series MVP): .244 BA, 3 HR, 14 RBI

Anthony Rizzo (2016 Regular Season MVP Candidate): .224 BA, 7 HR, 22 RBI

Addison Russell (franchise shortstop): .215 BA and only 25 runs scored

Kyle Schwarber (critical piece in the Cubs coming back from 3-1 against the Indians): .188 BA, 17 RBI, and 46 strikeouts

Jake Arrieta (perennial Cy Young candidate): 4-3, 5.44 ERA, and a WHIP of 1.46

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Clearly, I highlighted the bad things happening for them this year to make a point.

Kris Bryant is hitting well and is returning to MVP form, their bullpen is turning into a strength with Carl Edwards, Jr., and Kyle Hendricks and Jon Lester are under-performing, but not by much.

But there is still so much wrong with this Cubs team, and we officially a quarter of the way through the season.  Where is the star power and the excitement that we saw last year? Was the leadership and expertise of Cody Ross really that much of a factor? Will they be forced to make trades this season just to contend? These are not questions you thought were going to be asked at the beginning of the year.

All in all, it is not time to be concerned…yet. They are young, learning, and have an abundance of talent. But they seem to be missing the X-factor this year, and you cannot wait until August to find it.  As a Cubs fan, I’d be on my heels because a team that falls into complacency can quickly fall into trouble.

The Chicago Cubs are playing average baseball right now, and that is SCARY considering they finished the 2016 season looking like this:

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How the Dumbest Trade in the History of Sports Possibly Created a Dynasty

Let’s reminisce for a brief moment: It’s 2013, Barack is in the Oval Office, “Sharknado” was terminally being forced into our memories, Colin Kaepernick was in the Super Bowl, and the Brooklyn Nets though they had a chance to win a title.

And like everything else the Brooklyn Nets do…they blew it. They traded for Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Jason Terry, and D.J. White while exchanging to the rebuilding Boston Celtics Gerald Wallace, Kris Humphries, MarShon Brooks, Kris Joseph, Keith Bogans, three first-round picks (2014, 2016 and 2018), and the right to swap first-rounders in 2017.  Chris Rock explained this situation best:

Now, the Celtics probably have not taken perfect advantage of their opportunities thus far, drafting James Young in 2014 and Jaylen Brown two years later with the third overall pick, who definitely has potential but is not a star yet.  Regardless, the Celtics have built a strong team since this trade and have without a doubt rebuilt successfully.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that.  They were the #1 seed heading into the post season (which pretty much happened by default since the Cavs didn’t play the second half of the year), and looked poised to make a decent playoff run.  They now find themselves playing against Playoff LeBron, which is regular season LeBron on crack, and ultimately stand no shot of winning the series.

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But…thanks to the twats over at the Brooklyn Nets organization, the rich get richer. The Celtics have the #1 overall pick this year, that belonged to the Nets, and might find themselves being able to put up a fight next year against the Cavs.  With Isiah Thomas, Avery Bradley, Al Horford, and the rising young talent around them (Jae Crowder, Jaylen Brown, James Young, etc), and the likely addition of either Markelle Fultz or Lonzo Ball, the Celtics may be onto something here.

With another year of growing and maybe Isiah moving to the shooting guard position and Fultz/Ball taking over at point, the Brad Stevens-led Celtics can make a push to put someone in the Finals from the East other than LeBron and Co. for years to come.

For now, let’s enjoy LeBron treating the rest of the NBA like a Make-A-Wish All-Star team.

Note: Fuck Kelly Olynyk, I hope he gets traded to China for Jimmer.

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The Man Show: Hilarious Videos

The Man Show was a show that ran on Comedy Central from 1999 to 2004, hosted by the now infamous Jimmy Kimmel and the less infamous Adam Corolla.  Together, the two of them basically just did stupid shit that every guy would get a kick out of.  The video above is this 11 year-old, white-bred,white-chocolate truffle-looking kid that is the last person on Earth you would think would say wildly inappropriate stuff. From hitting on college girls to selling beer on the streets, this legitimately made me laugh out loud. My new life goal is to find this kid, and I pray he’s still just as fat, if not more.

This second video is still from The Man Show and is a deer strapped down to a car screaming for help and shouting insults at passing bystanders. Give it a watch and enjoy.

 

Why Banning Greek Life Isn’t the Answer

The death of Penn State sophomore Timothy Piazza earlier this year is one of the more upsetting stories of 2017 thus far. Piazza had accepted his bid at Beta Theta Pi, and fell down the stairs at the fraternity house after being forced to drink a ton. Fraternities and hazing have been a hot button topic for years now, and the Piazza story has been one of the most talked about in recent memory. One of the people to write about it is Jonathan Zimmerman, a UPenn professor. In his article, Close down all fraternities, he calls for universities to stop recognizing fraternities all together. After reading the whole thing, I can honestly say this guy’s argument makes little to no sense. You can read Zimmerman’s article here.

First off, let me say this. The actions of the Penn State Beta Theta Pi brothers that night are inexcusable. No one should be forced to drink that much alcohol in such a short amount of time, but the worst part is how long it took them to call for help. Clearly, some of the brothers knew Piazza hit his head, and knew how badly he needed to go to the hospital. This is the saddest part of the whole story to me. Fraternities are about brotherhood, always being there for the guys next to you. Even though Piazza was just a pledge, that same mentality should extend. You should do anything to help your brother, despite the possible repercussions for the fraternity. Even worse than that, where’s the basic sense of human decency? Piazza was clearly more than just a kid who had a little too much to drink, and they let a young man lose his life far too soon. Hopefully, all those kids will get the justice they deserve, even though they can never really make up for what they did. They took the lives of one of their own, and left his parents without their son. As devastating as this incident was, and as much as I believe everything possible should be done to prevent it from happening again, I don’t think colleges banning Greek life is the answer. Here’s why.

First of all, I can speak from a similar experience that the overwhelming majority of fraternities would not have handled that situation as poorly as Beta Theta Pi did that night. At my fraternity’s last party my freshman year, a girl passed out from drinking too much. This girl didn’t even have much, if anything to drink at the party, she was already drunk before she came. Letting her in at all was a risk management mistake from the start, as she probably should have been taken home by a friend or gotten help rather than attend another party. Of course, my brothers did what any decent human being would do and called her an ambulance. She ended up being okay, but we still paid the price. Even though we were not at fault for her getting as drunk as she did, we were charged with a year of social probation for serving alcohol at the party. Clearly this is the type of punishment the Beta Theta Pi brothers feared when they  decided not to call an ambulance for Piazza. However, just because they made this horrible error in judgment does not mean you can generalize it to every fraternity in the nation.

The other reason banning Greek life is not the answer is because it would probably have more of a negative impact than positive. Let me explain. Fraternities recognized by universities have to abide by certain rules, and are regulated by student and school bodies. By banning Greek life, you would lose this. Sure, there wouldn’t be any official “fraternities,” but there would still be very similar underground organizations. These would basically be fraternities without the regulation of schools, allowing them to get away with much more when it comes to hazing, partying, etc. Even Zimmerman points to two cases of non-fraternity hazing incidents in his article, one with the Florida A&M marching band and the other with the Harvard men’s soccer team. Would banning fraternities from college campuses satisfy some outsiders who are outraged over the trouble some cause? Sure. But it would not help prevent another death like Timothy Piazza’s.

If getting rid of fraternities isn’t the answer, what is? It’s hard to say, but I think there are a few things that could help. First off, everyone in Greek life who would act the same way the Beta Theta Pi brothers did that night needs a reality check. Either do the right thing when someone needs help, or don’t be a part of Greek life. Fraternities are about brotherhood and having each other’s backs; if you wouldn’t make a simple phone call to save a brother’s (or pledge’s) life, you do not deserve to be a brother. Second, put more Good Samaritan laws in place, for college kids especially. Good Samaritan laws protect people who call help for those in need from any legal liability. This could help save lives, but ideally you’d rather prevent people from being in positions of needing saving at all. My final idea is to lower the drinking age from 21 to 19. If everyone could theoretically drink legally once they are in college, the need for drinking at private places such as fraternities becomes diminished. It’s much harder to drink past your limit at a bar than it is an off-campus party, fraternity or not.

None of these solutions would eliminate the risk for alcohol-related deaths, but they could certainly help. The only thing we can do is remember that if someone is in need of help, it’s our moral obligation to provide it for them. No amount of potential trouble is worth risking someone losing their life.