The Lakers – Nets Trade Might Be the Best Deal of the Off-Season

First off, besides that one project in high school that I pretended to work really hard on, this is my first blog post ever. I’m just going to come out and say I’m really not that funny, in fact I’ve thought I had so many funny stories in the past that turned out to be awful, that I have inspired an adjective to describe an awful story – the “Trevor Story”. It’s all in the delivery really, and apparently my delivery is about as good as Helen Keller trying to throw out the honorary first pitch, so let’s hope my blogging ability is better. Anyway enough of that…

Secondly, I want to say that this Lakers – Nets trade might actually be one of the worst things since sliced bread, and that’s really hard to do, because a lot of bad things have happened since some primitive Albert Einstein decided his bread would be more enjoyable in smaller servings.

Before I talk about the trade itself, I just want to say I honestly feel bad for every party involved, but especially for D’Angelo Russell and Timofey Mozgov, whose reaction when he found out he was traded can pretty accurately be summed up below.

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That, “Wow, I just got traded to Brooklyn” look.

I just can’t seem to understand how the Lakers or the Nets thought that this trade was a good idea. For Brooklyn, you get D’Angelo Russell as the cornerstone piece, a young kid whose better at scoring video of teammates talking about their body count on camera than he actually is at scoring the basketball.

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Now maybe Russell does go on to become the potential superstar some have touted him to be, but frankly Russell didn’t impress me in college and 15.6 points per game isn’t gonna cut it, especially on a dreadful Brooklyn team. Secondly, the Nets get Timofey Mozgov in the deal, and while its great for the Lakers to get rid of the ridiculous contract they gave him, someone in the Brooklyn front office must’ve been smoking something when he agreed to this offer.

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“Are you serious, bro?”

 

Don’t get me wrong, Mozgov is definitely a baller, I mean look at the guy. And he’s probably a great dude to go out and rip straight shots of vodka with until you can barely stand while he tells you stories about how he’s been doing this since he was 12, but unfortunately vodka shots are really the only shots he’s good at taking. The guy is a goof-ball on the court, and I don’t see how he can help this Brooklyn team other than helping them drink away the pain of another dreadful season with no first round pick.

I guess the Lakers are the winners in this deal, getting Lopez and the 27th pick, but there’s no center in the NBA I hate more than Brook Lopez. I mean the guy is 7 ft. tall, but he’s about as soft as a roll of Charmin ultra toilet paper, and for those of you who don’t know, that’s really soft. In fact, I was fortunate enough to attend only one Nets game during their recent stretch of awfulness, and even the Nets fans in front of me were chanting about how the guy’s got a gash as he took fadeaway shots over J.J. Barea. Plus, I don’t think any other center has been dunked on as many times as Lopez. I mean c’mon man.

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Now teammate Larry Nance Jr. giving Lopez a taste of his testicles.

Now maybe I’m wrong, and this trade works out for both teams. Maybe Russell becomes a stud in New York while he throws alley-oops to Timofey Mozgov soaring above the defense. And maybe Lopez has a great season in LA and is the next great Lakers center, catching dimes from Lonzo while LaVar ball tries to tell Magic Johnson his son will boycott playing unless the Lakers guarantee they’ll draft Liangelo and LaMelo. But that’s all a big maybe. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

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Like Mozgov in this picture, all we can do is wait.

If the Knicks Trade Porzingis Then I’m Out

The best way I can describe being a Knicks fan is that not only do things go wrong, but they go wrong in ways you didn’t even know were possible. Literally the lone bright spot for this franchise in the last four years has been drafting 7’3 superhero Kristaps “Down in the DM” Porzingis in the 2015 draft. I’m not gonna lie, I HATED this pick at the time just as much as 99% of other Knicks fans did. I mean, a tall lanky European who shoots? Name one besides Dirk Nowitzki who turned out to be good. But KP has been great. He makes his presence felt on both ends of the floor, and has potential to be a Top-10 caliber player in this league for years to come. In what was supposed to be a 3-player draft (Karl-Anthony Towns, D’Angelo Russell, and Jahlil Okafor), getting the 4th pick was a classic Knicks move. However, Porzingis has far outshined Russell and Okafor, and is one of his draft class’ brightest stars along with Towns and Devin Booker.

Drafting him was literally the only good thing Phil Jackson has done in New York. Everything else has been a trainwreck. I don’t even flinch at embarassing Knicks headlines anymore. Charles Oakley thrown out of the Garden? Cool. Melo knocked up some bitch that isn’t LaLa? Sure. Porzingis skips his end-of-season meeting? Peachy. But this got me so instantly angry it’s insane.

I’m sorry, but WHAT?!?!

I just don’t really see any kind of return that’s worth trading Porzingis for. The guy is 7’3, shoots threes, protects the rim, and hasn’t even scratched the surface of his potential after just two seasons in the NBA. Why would you trade him away just to get draft picks you hope turn out the same way? Phil has totally freaking lost it if he’s really considering this. I’ll go to the Garden myself and personally throw his ass on a one-way flight back to LA before he trades KP. I’d fly him United too, because screw Phil Jackson.

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Sure, the guy has 11 titles, as a COACH. Not as an executive. Also, how many of those titles came without either Jordan/Pippen, Shaq/Kobe, or Kobe/Gasol? Yup, none of them.

I’m not kidding when I say I’m done being a Knicks fan if they trade Porzingis. This threat means literally nothing to them, but I’d just be done. I don’t care that they suck every year. But this move would literally just show fans the front office doesn’t give a shit about them, or the direction of the team. So please, Phil, make your peace with our 7’3 future superstar. Because you should be gone waaaaaayyyyy before he is.

 

P.S. Things were really looking up with Malik Monk potentially falling to us at 8. Basketball Gods can’t let Knicks fans have even a few MINUTES of happiness.

Even Charles Barkley Knows The NHL Playoffs Are Better Than The NBA Playoffs

“I’m just glad to be here because the NBA playoffs have not been great, but the Stanley Cup playoffs have been amazing”

Charles Barkley, Game 4 Stanley Cup Finals.
Before I begin, I would like to make a disclaimer that I am completely 100% biased in this argument. But I hope to shed some insight on the reasons why the uneventful NBA playoffs don’t even compare to the electrifying and mind-boggling NHL playoffs.

There is no doubt that the NBA playoffs had far more successful ratings than the NHL playoffs, especially in the finals. This is completely embarrassing and blows my mind. The NBA playoffs have been an absolute disaster. We had two teams, Warriors and Cavs, in their third consecutive finals. A finals matchup that was predicted as far back as the preseason. As if that wasn’t boring enough, I want to add in the fact that both teams had a combined one, yes ONE, loss leading up to the finals. I mean, if you’re the other 28 teams in the league why even bother? The NBA has the same predictable outcome every year, and while I can say the finals are entertaining, the rest of the playoffs are just an utter disgrace. The league cares more about the drama in the league and how much money they are making than actually seeing good basketball being played. I woke up after game 3 to see headlines following the Warriors taking a 3-0 lead reading, “How Much Money The Warriors Will Lose If They Sweep”. C’mon…. You’re kidding right?

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Hop on over to the best sport on the Earth (biased like I said) and we see nothing but pure talent, excitement, and 3 months of unpredictable play being showcased by true athletes. To sum it up, just take a look at the finals. We had a Cinderella 8 seed in Nashville, going up against the second seeded Pittsburgh team who barely even got there. Yes they were a favorite to repeat, but they had to beat a deep and talented Columbus team, the two time reigning Presidents trophy Capitals in the second round (could’ve easily been a conference finals matchup but we have the new playoff format to thank for that), and a relentless Ottawa team in the conference finals who took the Penguins to seven games and a double overtime in that game. Nashville swept a cup favorite in Chicago in the first round…. who saw that coming (I did). They then went along to dominate the rest of the playoffs despite being the 16th out of 16 teams to get in. They showed immense amount of heart in their series with Pittsburgh, and despite being on the losing side, they put on one hell of a show. These guys in the NHL playoffs are playing through torn ACL’s, broken feet, and torn hamstrings after playing a FULL 82 game season, while the NBA rests their players in the regular season because they know they are gonna need them in the finals. What a joke.

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The NHL is by far the better, more entertaining, and tougher sport. It is really such a shame the lack of attention it draws. Ill leave you with this commercial about what it means to win the cup.

 

Confirmed: Drake & Josh Not Being Friends Is The Worst Thing To Ever Happen Ever

2017 has had its moments, its ups and downs, its right and wrongs, its highs and lows…but this…

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This hurts…

Here’s a few memes and gifs to describe my current state:

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I refuse to believe this.
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Please no
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Already on it
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If she can make aliens appear out of her backyard, she can get an invitation lost in the mail

I mean, wow, this hurts in a way you wouldn’t wish on anyone.  It really shouldn’t matter but it does.  When your two favorite childhood brothers (Sorry Zack and Cody) are no longer friends, it’s like hearing that your family dog ran away for the sole reason he didn’t like you.

I now know what Julius Ceaser felt like.

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Et tu, Brute???

 

I really don’t want to believe this, because Drake & Josh was the literal shit when we were growing up. Packaged with Zoey 101 and Ned’s Declassified, Nickelodeon owned a piece of me.

Nobody has said if it’s true or not, but I did research and Drake Bell either deleted the tweets or some asshole made all this up.  My only evidence is that skinny Josh was always a bit of a whiner, so if Drake did something recently, then skinny Josh might have done this out of spite.

FAT JOSH WOULD HAVE NEVER DONE THIS.

In all likelihood, their relationship has been slowing done for a while, they both probably work a lot and are trying to make their own careers and over time, you get caught up in yourself.  They probably stopped making time for each other and lost contact.  Josh, you should have invited him because you never forget the people you grew up with. Dick move for sure.

But, if there is one thing to absolutely destroy your childhood, this is it. I’m probably going to go to the Ramsey Public Library (shout out) and rent as many seasons of Drake & Josh as I can and just try pretending everything is like it once was.

 

Side Note: If you’re going to replace a lifetime friend with anyone, John Stamos is probably the guy to do it with. The guy is a Greek God.

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Cavs Plan on Trading Lint in Belly Button and a Tooth Pick for Jimmy Butler

Yes fans, you read that author line correct. The king returns to his throne. The return is in full force. And to all those saying only 3 people read this blog I say to you, idgaf queue the music…

Back to the matter at hand. I’ve seen like 30 headlines in the past couple of days saying that Jimmy Butler and the Cleveland Cavaliers are pushing for a trade that would send him into the holy hands of LeBron and Kyrie. Now lets fantasize for a minute on how sick that would be. Kyrie floating perfect lobs to LeBron as LeBron, in mid air, lobs one up to Butler for the emphatic slam finish. Just absolute 82-0 caliber fantasy shit. Cream your jeans type material. They’d resurrect Michelangelo to paint the ceiling of the Quicken Loans Arena with the faces of LeBron, Kyrie, Jimmy and KLove.

Now, back to reality. This will never happen. I’m like 86.7% sure that it won’t. Jimmy Butler is a top 3 Small Forward in the NBA. You know what Top 3 Small Forwards in the NBA get traded for? Top 3 picks, often times, multiple top 3 picks. You know what the Cavs have to trade? Channing Frye and a scrap book of LeBron’s mom Delonte West made in like 2006. They have absolutely no trade chips to get a superstar talent like a Jimmy Butler. Therefore, how in God’s name do they plan on getting a player like Butler. LeBron might send his mafia out to take down dudes like David Blatt so he can get one of his boys to become his head coach, but this is a different organization we’re talking about. And Bulls GM Gar Forman ain’t no bitch LeBron. This is the face of a man that’s been on the wrong side of a mob hit one too many times in his life. He’s adapted to it.

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So don’t read into the hype kids, this is fake news at its finest. Honestly shocked this story isn’t headlined all over the Failing New York Times. As much as I’d love to see Jimmy Butler join the Cavs and give us the most enticing East Side/West Side rivalry since Biggie and Pac, unfortunately Delonte’s stock is way down and its not rising in the foreseeable future. For now, the most exciting supporting cast story Cavs fans will have to enjoy is Deron Williams denying the fact that he’s bald and taking Boozer Avenue. Our thoughts and prayers go out to your hairline DWill.

Nolan Arenado Is A Bad, Bad Man

Nolan Arenado

Hitting for the cycle is crazy, but hitting a walk-off home run to complete the cycle and coming out of the dog pile bloody and covered in dirt and sweat is crazier than Hannibal Lecter on LSD.

Arenado isn’t a household name yet, and that’s probably because he plays in the weed capital of America of Colorado instead of for a bigger market team, but this guy is the real deal.  People seem to ignore the fact that he is now a perennial MVP candidate and one of the biggest emerging stars in baseball.

His stat line, although really good, isn’t anything eye-popping in 2017 (.299, 15 HR, 55 RBI), but Arenado is putting up HUGE career numbers and quite possibly a Hall of Fame career. He has 126 home runs through roughly four and a half years, so if he played twenty years he’d be sitting around 630 total.  And before you even think it, your argument about “the air being thin” will not be accepted. Thanks for trying.

Only 26 years old and signed with the Rockies through 2018, with arbitration set for 2019, Arenado could receive a massive deal when he hits the market. He is easily somebody who deserves more recognition in the MLB, and after parading around Coors Field in wake of walking-off a blood-ridden cycle, I think he’ll get it.

 

Average Joe’s Gym Defeated Globo Gym 13 Years Ago Today

When you think of great upsets in American sports history, three things come to mind. The 1980 Miracle on Ice, the Red Sox overcoming a 3 games to none deficit in the 2004 ALCS to reach the World Series, and Average Joe’s Gym defeating Globo Gym to clinch the American Dodgeball Association of America’s National Championship. Well, it just so happens that last one happened 13 years ago today.

Easily the most suspenseful sporting event I’ve seen with my own eyes. Peter LaFleur and his cast of misfits over at Average Joe’s Gym taking on White Goodman and his Globo Gym superteam. I don’t care what people say, LaFleur vs.Goodman will always be a better matchup than LeBron vs. KD. I came across this, just to put it in perspective.

Exactly, he wouldn’t. The same guy who once said “I found if you had a goal, you may not reach it. So I just don’t set them, and I’m never disappointed” still was able to take on the juggernaut that is Globo Gym without taking the easy way out. He and Bisexual Kate were able to pull off the victory even with the absence of Steve the Pirate. Let’s not forget, Peter almost didn’t make it to the game on time.

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After the tragic death of legendary Patches O’Houlihan, it takes some convincing from Lance Armstrong to get Peter to play. Then, none other than Chuck Norris himself gives the teams the green light to play.

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Unfortunately, Globo Gym seemed to be too much. Goodman and his “feathered and lethal” head of hair was taking over the game. However, Joe’s worked their way back, ultimately forcing a Sudden-Death dodgeball between the captains, Goodman and LaFleur. In what is 1000% the boldest move of all-time, LaFleur blindfolds himself.

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Trusting his instincts, LaFleur dodges Goodman’s throw and proceeds to drill him to seal the victory for Average Joe’s Gym, supplanting himself as the greatest ADAA dodgeballer of all-time.

So when people talk about missing the Lakers/Celtics rivalry, tell them they should be missing Average Joe’s/Globo Gym. If they say the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead in the Finals, remind them Globo Gym blew a 4-man advantage in the Finals. And if you overhear people debating whether Jordan or LeBron is the GOAT, let them know it is without question Peter LaFleur.