And You Thought Your School Had a Bad Mascot?

Mascots and logos are for the love of the game. Personally, I am a huge fan of the MiLB’s (Minor League Baseball) marketing strategy to come up with some of the craziest and far out ideas to represent different farm system’s teams. Coming from a school where I once was an almighty Spartan, I am now a Mule. And yes, every time someone asks what my school’s mascot Is with my dad in earshot, his line of “I always knew you would grow up to be an ass” seems to explode out of his mouth.

 

The criteria I used to develop this list was based in concrete algorithms and intense scientific research and surveying. Jk I decided based on what I thought was cool so deal with it. Hopefully you laugh a little, but if you choose not to have a sense of humor so be it. All of these teams are some sort of a Class AAA, AA, or A team in MiLB. Without further interruption, here are my top 5 mascots, and the 5 that need to go… with honorable mentions of course.

BOTTOM 5:


5: TIE – Winston-Salem Dash – Class A Advanced – Chicago White Sox

Fort Myers Miracle – Class A Advanced – Minnesota Twins

I know. What a flaky way to start the list. With a tie. Good job Matt, your one job was to pick 5 yet you somehow screwed that up. Well hear me out before you are finished sipping on that hatorade. I put the Dash and the Miracle together because to me they scream the same thing. Little League softball. For me these two mascots just remind me all of the absurd chants I hear at a little league game from the bench. You know those ones like “We need a single just a little single! S-I-N-G-L-E sinnnngle!”. Hopefully, that is not what is coming out of the dugout when these two teams take the field, but with names like Dash and Miracle they might as well be.

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4: Chattanooga Lookouts – Class AA – Minnesota Twins

Ohh Chattanooga Lookouts, what were you thinking. First of all, what the hell are you looking at. Those big creepy eyes give me the chills and I just cant get past that. I don’t know what two big old eyes represent, especially when they are looking away from you at all times. You know what that means? That they are not honest. I need those eyes to look me in the eyes and try and come up with some explanation for why they deserve to represent a ball club.  Cant do it.

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3: Albuquerque Isotopes – Class AAA – Colorado Rockies

What gets the Isotopes on this list is the is extremely childlike artwork that went into this one. I’m not saying I need the Mona Lisa but Jesus is this the most creative thing we got for a freaking Isotope. First of all I have the slightest idea what an Isotope is (shout out to Chemistry Honors junior year of high school), but I sure hope it looks more interesting than an A with a few lines around it. The writing is also subpar. I think the Isotopes have the potential to get creative, but really pissed it away with this one. No wonder why everyone hates Chemistry.

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2: Clinton LumberKings – Class A – Seattle Marniers

HOW DO YOU NOT NAME YOURSELVES THE LUMBERJACKS?!?! This literally defines the “You almost had it… Gotta be quicker than that” commercial. LumberKings is just weird. I get that it means king of the bats, but jacks still has relevance to baseball. Plus the guy they use in their logo doesn’t look like a king… take that cartoon crown off, put on a backwards hat, and have him jacking balls out of the yard. Totally more fitting than that dopey crown. This mascot is too big of a tease. And for that reason… I’m out.  

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1: Lakeland Flying Tigers – Class A Advanced – Detroit Tigers

So the Flying Tigers is my personal worst of the worst. I get the history reference, and really think that if they used a plane instead of a tiger to represent the history it would be in the top 5. But they didn’t. They put wings on a tiger and created a logo that belongs on the back of a leather jacket for the worst biker gang squad of all time. That is all this logo is to me… a biker gang logo. I can see the flying tigers being bedazzled and all. As you will see in the top 5, there is a way do make a cool historical reference, but this is simply too far out and irrelevant. Good try Detroit Tigers, but you went way too far with this one.

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Honorable mention: These were bad, but just survived my wrath. Congrats, but improvement is still recommended.

Las Vegas 51’s – Class AAA – New York Mets

Salt Lake Bees – Class AAA – Los Angeles Angels

Tacoma Rainers – Class AAA – Seattle Mariners

 

TOP 5:

5: Auburn Doubledays – Class A Short Season – Washington Nationals

Good thinking Nationals. You guys will do anything to remind people you aren’t in Canada anymore. Incorporating a person who is debatably the greatest human being to walk the earth into a punny name gets you on this list. My man Abner Doubleday was not only credited with inventing baseball (even though this isn’t actually true we loyal baseball fans say f off science. Doubleday is our man), but also the officer who fired the first shot of the battle of Fort Sumter in the American Civil War.  His kickass mustache and American AF backstory gets the Auburn Doubledays on my list.

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4: Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp – Class AA – Miami Marlins

The Marlins staying aquatic is a pretty strong move, however what hands them a spot  on my list is their effort to push the limits of toughness. Shrimp… normally not tough. If you call someone a shrimp you better be insulting them. Add Jumbo, whole new animal. Try and eat a jumbo shrimp guyer in one bite and you’re gonna end up in a hospital bed. They ain’t here to mess around with your petty shit and you know damn well they are the sauciest crustaceans on the block. Props to you Miami. It’s 2017. Shrimp can be tough too.
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3: Cedar Rapids Kernels – Class A –  Minnesota Twins

Thank god. Finally, we can pronounce this word the way it fucking looks. What in gods name Is a Colonel. Who thought that should be pronounced like the real kernel. The kernel as in piece of corn. They make my list because corn is fantastic and the amount of times I have spelt colonel wrong has me fired up. Thank you Minnesota. We are baseball fans. Not spelling be champions going for our Ph.D’s in silent letters. Thank you for your help and kindness, for giving us a mascot who you can sound out and still spell right.

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2: Modesto Nuts – Advanced Class A – Seattle Mariners

Deez Nuts have been passed around more than a bag of sunflower seeds at a summer ball game. The Modesto Nuts have been owned by 11 different MLB franchises, so I personally praise the Nuts for having the strength to survive all of that shifting. Their twitter is also pretty hilarious, even when they don’t mean to be. But that may just be for the fans with minds as childish as mine. Their use of Gifs are pretty spot on too (https://twitter.com/ModestoNuts/status/867576503118077952).
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1: New Orleans Baby Cakes – Class AAA – Miami Marlins

So there has been a lot of food on this list. Maybe it shows what my priorities are, and maybe you are judging me for it. I don’t blame you, and your assumptions are probably correct. The New Orleans Baby Cakes have the best mascot in the MiLB. Not only is it a wicked fierce baby who looks like the asshole kid who wears all black from Toy Story, but his crown and colors top off his awesome outfit, fit for a king. The baby cakes used to be the zephyrs, which would have made the worst 5 list if they hadn’t changed. The change to baby cakes sparked 2 pretty amazing promotions that make them the best mascot in the game. 1) any child born in Louisianan in 2017 is eligible for a lifetime pass to Baby Cakes games. 2) any Louisiana baby who takes that offer will be put into a raffle and will have the chance to win a free tuition at any Louisiana state school, paid for by the Baby Cakes. Now I know that a Louisiana State school is pretty compatible to a kindergarten in the north east, or middle school in the Midwest, but it is still a free tuition, and that’s pretty alright with me. Baby Cakes, way to make baseball fun(ny) again. Bryce Harper is probably proud. And for the Baby Cake players, you must have a pretty cool conversation starter when you walk into a bar.

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Honorable Mention:

The following will not be officially on my list, but deserve a shout out for creativity, how punny they are, and savage they are. As the teacher everyone hated in high school would say: if you’d like to know more about these you will have to look them up on your own.

El Paso Chihuahuas – Class AAA – San Diego Padres

Louisville Bats – Class AAA – Cincinatti Reds

Bowling Green Hot Rods – Class A – Tampa Bay Rays

Lansing Lugnuts – Class A – Toronto Blue Jays

Fort Wayne Tin Caps – Class A – San Diego Padres

Giants Fans Do Not Like Kneeling During the National Anthem

New York Giants owner John Mara received many ’emotional’ fan letters regarding the trend of NFL players kneeling during the national anthem. They were not thrilled to say the least.

Is anybody really surprised by this? I’ve become used to the standards that the NFL has created and clearly it has trickled down to the fans as well. It’s the same old bullshit. A player does something controversial, and then a Colin Kaepernick becomes the source for all the hate in the world.

The real issue are the NFL owners. Did you know that the US Defense Department paid NFL teams $5.4 mil just to have military veterans honored at football games following the 2014 season? If anything, that should get people far more angry for a clear lack of respect given by team owners.

Rarely do you see the same amount of hate for the people chilling in the booths upstairs.

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Except Goodell, everybody hates Goodell.

Giants fans also confuse me in another way. There wasn’t nearly this much backlash when the world realized that they had a domestic-abusive kicker on the team in Josh Brown. How does Mara receive more mail for a kneeling the Giants never partook in, compared to an actual abuser they had on their team?!

All my years being in the league, I never received more emotional mail from people than I did about that issue,” Mara told The MMQB. “‘If any of your players ever do that, we are never coming to another Giants game.’ It wasn’t one or two letters. It was a lot. It’s an emotional, emotional issue for a lot of people, more-so than any other issue I’ve run into,” according to ESPN.com

In fact, I’ve seen more outrage over Odell Beckham Jr. skipping OTAs compared to the Giants knowingly keeping Josh Brown on their roster despite his illegal activity.

There is no right or wrong party, but I feel as if there’s an interesting order of priorities around the NFL community.

Colorado is doing something right… and I am not talking about the weed laws.

As a Giants fan this article kills me but also excites me at the same time. I will get the sad part (at least for me) out of the way because who cares about a pity party for some blogger you have never heard of. BREAKING NEWS: The San Francisco Giants will not make the playoffs. As a life long fan it sucks to eliminate your team on May 26th, but behind 3 teams, 11 games back, Madison Bumgarner gone dirt biking until August 1, and an offense that only hits solo home runs the hope is fading quick.

However, there is a gem out in the NL West that is not getting enough spotlight, but hey maybe that’s why they are so exciting to watch. If you told me the Colorado Rockies would be the second best team in the league when Memorial Day Weekend rolls around I’d ask if you thought the Browns would contend for the Super Bowl. Anyway, this is a team I don’t see fading. They have been doing some pretty special things on the field this season, and I don’t think its crazy to claim that the Rockies can compete with the Nationals (sorry Mets fans), and Cubs for a National League Championship.

I get it, every time the Rockies win a game everyone screams and yells about how easy it is to play in their home ballpark. And those morons are right for the most part. Right this moment Coors Field ranks second in runs scored, but this year the stadium has only had the 10th most homeruns per game. But what is pretty telling of their success is that they have played less than half their games at home, and still have a 31-18 record. And splits are pretty even. 33 dingers at home, 31 away. 125 runs scored at home, 124 runs away. Yes, they have played 3 more road then home games, but looking at the numbers right now, their bats are still hot on the road. The way I see it, the Rockies use Coors field as an advantage, and they have seemed to fix the worst part of their game, which was playing anywhere but Denver. The Rockies have more games at home than games on the road remaining. The last time I checked playoff series are played at both teams stadiums. The Rockies own Coors field, and being a solid team at home and a .500 team on the road is all they have to do to win this division.

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Like my explanation about their splits? Want to argue actual players suiting up every day? Talk to me about their pitchers. Chances are you probably can’t name more than one guy in the rotation. Right now their starters are Tyler Chatwood, Tyler Anderson, Antonio Senzatela, Kyle Freeland, and German Marquez. Their top guy coming in to the season, Jon Gray, is out and will start throwing bullpens this weekend. As a starting staff Rockies are 11th in baseball in ERA, 7th in innings. Not stellar, but both top half of the MLB. As the 2015 Royals were able to prove, you don’t need big names in the rotation. If you can get the game to the pen in the 7th and have a few great relievers the game becomes a lot easier. And as of now that is the model this Rockies team has taken. When the decision comes to the Rockies backend the record is 8-3. They also lead the league in saves because of red hot Greg Holland. The man is 19 for 19 with a .96 ERA. Only one of the top 5 relieves in innings pitched has an ERA over 2.80. Don’t get so caught up that there is no clear ace on this staff. Baseball is changing and it isn’t as necessary as it used to be. In 2014 the Giants won a chip with Tim Hudson, Jake Peavy, and Ryan Vogelsong behind MadBum. Miracles are real.

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Now let’s think about their offense. This is the easy part to convince you of. As a team they rake. They score the second most runs in baseball and hit for the second highest average. This year their lineup bolsters 3 hitters with over 10 bombs in Nolan Arenado, Mark Reynolds, and Charlie Blackmon. Trevor Story isn’t as big of a headline as last season, but he does have 7 homers and 7 doubles. Their outfield may be the best in baseball. From left to right the Rockies put out a strong platoon in left between Alexi Amerista, who is hitting .365 in 26 games, and Gerardo Parra. In center is Blackmon who is a true 5 tool player at the top of the order. Cargo in right has been a 3 time All-Star and adds power to the middle of the lineup. Their lineup will continue to mash, and will carry this team through the season and make them a legit contender.

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Listen y’all, the Rockies are here to stay, at least for 2017. They may pull of a one hit wonder act @Royals @Mets (at least the Royals actually got a ring), but a 1 hit wonder is better a no hit blunder. Not a great day to be a Giants fan…

Why LaMelo Ball is Better than LeBron Was at His Age

Just when you think maybe you can go a few days without the Ball family making headlines, they come right back at you with highlights of a 50-point loss by LaMelo’s AAU team, coached by LaVar.

 

 

First off, LaMelo is nowhere near as good as LeBron was in high school. Not in the same fucking stratosphere of ability. This title is what we in the college-kids-home-for-the-summer blog business call clickbait, my friends.

 

Anyway, back to the youngest of Bitchass LaVar Ball’s offspring. LaMelo  became the most famous high school player in the country this year following his 92-point game in February. You’ve at least heard of this if you don’t live under a rock, but maybe you didn’t take the time to watch the 15-minute long highlight video. I watched the whole thing because when you’re in a college lecture listening to some foreign guy try and tell you bullshit about the economy 100 years ago, you’ll watch just about anything. Here it is, go ahead and watch. You probably have the time to, because you’re probably bored as hell, because why the fuck else would you be reading our dumbass blog?

You don’t have to be Mike Krzyzewski to understand what happened here. These are the least impressive 92 points I’ve ever seen. If LaMelo Ball was in 2K MyPlayer mode, he would end up with an F at the end of the game because he’d keep losing points for “didn’t get back on defense.” Not only that, but the kids on the other team don’t play defense even when they are back in time. It literally looks like when you’re playing basketball against your little cousin who’s a foot and a half shorter than you and you let him get a shot off because he’s like 10 (I’m stuffing the shit out of him next time after seeing this video. I’ll be damned if we encourage another participation trophy generation.)

Also, LaMelo took 22 threes and made only 7. He was 37-61 total from the field. 92 points on 61 shots, most of which were wide open due to the fact he was cherrypicking and going against a team that played defense worse than the washing machine the Tropics traded for Monix? Not exactly LeBron 2.0. Then this video surfaced this weekend after Ball’s AAU team got wiped by 50 points at the hands of the Compton Magic.

Kid looked lost out there. Couldn’t get any kind of separation or hit jump shots, and just looked physically overmatched. As bad as that was, I will say this. He’s a young kid. He is 15 years old. He’ll get bigger and stronger. Lonzo is 6’6, LaMelo is only 6’3. I honestly feel really bad for him because when LeBron was getting a ton of press in high school, it was all earned based off his ability. Sure, LaMelo can play a little, but a lot of his attention comes from how good his older brother is and having a Dad who gasses him up more than a sorority girl talking about her little.

So, LaMelo, I feel for you. As for everyone else, let’s leave the kid alone and let him develop his game before we see how he turns out at UCLA in a few years.

(P.S.- if I ever see anyone in a “Stay In Yo Lane” Big Baller Brand shirt, I might punch them in the face. I think I’d rather walk around in a shirt that has “I Am a Virgin” written across the front.)

Evil Losers. Sad!

Last Monday night, a heart-breaking terrorist attack took place at an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester, England.  The bomber, who very recently traveled to Libya for three weeks, was named Salman Abedi, and the attack took the lives of 22 innocent people, including one police officer.  ISIS has since taken credit for the attack.

Who knew this website reported (some) legitimate news?

President Trump, in a true display of a mastery of the English language, utilizing eloquence and the diction of a 3rd grader who just got his toy truck stolen on the playground, called terrorists “evil losers.”

 

Now he did justify his word choice by saying that he would have called them monsters, but he thought that they would have liked that.  He acts as though “monsters” and “evil losers” were the only two options that he had when describing these terrible people; there are 171,476 words in the English language, however the best combination of words that Trump could formulate included a word that puts most 5 year olds in a time out.

 

We have seen the War on Drugs, we have seen what seems like a never ending War on Terror.  Now, in 2017, we have the War on Evil Losers.  Has a nice ring to it.

 

 

It’s Time We Stop Letting Kevin Durant Off the Hook for the Problems He Has Caused in Brooklyn and Orlando

July 4, 2016. The 240th birthday of our beautiful country. But for one, it was a day they decided would make about themselves, and partially ruin the day for many American sports fans.

After blowing a 3-1 lead to the Golden State Warriors in the Western Conference Finals, Kevin Durant, arguably the second best player in the NBA, was leaving Oklahoma City to join this Warriors team. It is widely considered to be one of the softest moves in sports history, a move only a KowarD would make. The difference many saw in his move versus when LeBron James went to Miami was that Durant was joining a team that was already arguably the best in the NBA, and leaving a team that he had so close to the Finals, but couldn’t win one more against the Warriors. Now, you would think Kevin Durant and the Warriors would be prepared for the repercussions that this would come with, that most of the NBA would just simply hate them. However, despite the success of this season, Kevin and the Warriors are still constantly playing victim. Some of these include: Warriors ownership and Kevin Durant’s mother upset with the Thunder for not honoring Kevin Durant in his first game back in Oklahoma City, Draymond Green upset the four Warriors didn’t make an All-NBA team, and Green mad about the Cavs lack of competition in the Eastern Conference playoffs. I think it’s time we all feel bad for the Warriors. They have had a long and stressful season, and have an NBA Finals to worry about now, not the bullshit us fans are bashing them for.

When Kevin Durant signed with Golden State, most fans were upset that a league that had already become top-heavy was about to become even more top-heavy, and that the regular season would pretty much mean nothing. So far, both have those have been true, and the fans are really hoping it’ll be worth it in the third Finals meeting between Golden State and Cleveland. However, despite being four wins from his first title, Kevin Durant is still out here playing victim.

While many people tossed Duran’t latest claim aside and just said “okay, let’s just play the Finals already”, I won’t let Kevin play victim here, because when it comes to recent problems with the Brooklyn Nets and Orlando Magic, Kevin Durant is clearly at fault.

We’ll start in Orlando. Kevin Durant’s comment on the Magic not making the playoffs for the last 6 years is obviously not his fault, and is just a scapegoat for the other problems he has caused. He has been at the center of a string of very bad decisions by the Magic organization. The Thunder needed to create salary-cap room to resign Durant, so they sent Serge Ibaka to Orlando. Orlando wisely agreed to this trade, and sent back Victor Oladipo, Ersan Ilyasova, and 11th overall pick Domantas Sabonis. Midway through this past season, the Magic sent Ibaka to the Raptors for Terrence Ross, a downgrade. Essentially, the Magic traded those 3 players for Ross. Looking at it that way, this was a terrible trade, sending two young players, and another solid player for a streaky shooter who wasn’t even a starter for the Raptors. And how did this mess all start? With the Magic making a trade with the Thunder that would help OKC resign Durant. And then Durant didn’t even resign. If Durant didn’t cost so much that the Thunder would have create cap room and bait Orlando into a stupid trade, the downfall for the Magic would have never happened. What a selfish asshole. Orlando deserves an apology.

Now let’s go over to Brooklyn. As a Nets fan, the idea of signing Kevin Durant in 2016 was the dream I knew probably could never happen, but was one I had in the back of my head. A few years ago, when the Nets were actually good, the idea seemed better, and a fellow fan and I referred to this signing as #Durant2016. However, Billy King, using his great General Managing mindset (as always), realized this was not going to happen. The Nets finished the 2012-13 season in 4th place in the East (a huge improvement from 12th in 2011-12), but they were eliminated by the Bulls, WITHOUT Derrick Rose, in 7 games. Billy King knew if the Nets ever wanted to compete for an NBA Championship, they would have to acquire some players who were a little better than Gerald Wallace and Reggie Evans. Being that he would not be able to acquire Durant, King cracked under pressure and sent Brooklyn’s 2016, 2017, and 2018 first round picks, along with a few players, to the Boston Celtics for Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Jason Terry. And we all know how that has turned out. Kevin Durant has no way out of this one. If he had less skill, his asking price would have been lower. And if his asking price would have been lower, the Nets would have traded for Durant, not the old guys from Boston. And if the Nets had gotten Durant instead, they would be winning championships instead of handing the Celtics number 1 draft picks. Thank you for ruining the organization I grew up loving, Kevin.

What Kevin Durant did to the Thunder was pretty bad, but doesn’t even compare to what he did to the Nets and Magic. At least the Thunder still have an MVP on their team. Oh well. Kevin better hope the basketball God’s let his knees work this time against Cleveland.

What Grinds My Gears: Apple

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears…

 

Apple

 

But specifically, iPhones.

 

Because of how fucking EXTRA they are.

 

Like honestly, Apple, was it really that fucking necessary to remove that little jack that every goddamn pair of headphones/earbuds fits into? I actually couldn’t believe that when I first heard it. And then I got myself an iPhone 7, because as fucked as iPhones are, Androids and whatever other smartphones are out nowadays are more fucked than a Brazzers video.

 

Side note/tangent: Androids literally remind me of those dope T-Mobile sidekicks back in the day, but also kind of remind me of a Gameboy Advance. I don’t know why this comparison makes sense to me, but honestly “sense” is a relative term, and nowadays nothing really seems to make much sense. Like honestly, WHAT THE FUCK IS A FIDGET SPINNER?!?

 

Back to Apple.

 

Of course I was going to get the iPhone 7, because iPhones literally work for your 1st year and then in year 2 (standard data plans), the Apple company actually guarantees that you will need a new phone (has anyone in modern history ever had a phone last longer than 2 years? And at the end of the 2 years, it always seems as if my phone is “still alive but barely breathing” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yZ1uI5yPbY; this song honestly is not that chill, but everyone and their fucking mother knows it, and it’s really good to listen to if you’re trying to cry and get depressed). So anyway, when I got home from the Verizon store, because fucking Apple makes you place reservations like it’s fucking P.F. Chang’s just to ask a fucking question, I began to take all the shit out of the box that comes with an iPhone.

 

You know what’s in the box, right? The phone, a charging chord, the cube/brick/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit thing, but then something new appeared; called a splitter, its this small ass wire that you can attach to non-apple headphones/ear buds and aux chords for them to be compatible with the iPhone 7.

 

Wait…so you’re saying that if I don’t have this microscopic splitter thing, which is so easily identifiable as something that you will, without a doubt, wager your fucking house on it it’s so fucking obvious, lose, I can’t listen to music or play some fucking fire on the aux?

 

FUCK THAT!

 

Oh, and also, YOU CAN’T EVEN LISTEN TO MUSIC WHILE CHARGING YOUR PHONE!

 

Hey FUCKHEADS,

 

YOUR PHONE BATTERY IS NOT THAT GOOD STOP GASSING YOURSELVES UP LIKE YOU FOUND THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH YOU’RE A COMPANY NOT FUCKING MARCO POLO!

 

Do you know how much it fucking sucks to be on the A train subway that’s more packed than most WNBA games in the middle of a New York City Summer that’s hotter than the Warriors sandwiched in between a crackhead asking me for my fucking Nature Valley bar and some old shmuck reading the Wall Street Journal directly over my leg WITHOUT Rapcaviar on Spotify? Like, I had low battery, and I need my phone for work because I run around New York City, like I’m fucking Joseph Gordon Levitt from that bike delivery movie (Premium Rush; don’t waste your time, horrible fucking movie, to the point where I’d be wasting both our times giving you any sort of synopsis), all day delivering packages to places I’ve never been so I need Waze, because Google Maps gives worse fucking directions than whoever told Christopher Columbus that India was in the fucking Atlantic ocean.

 

Speaking on behalf of all of #TEAMIPHONE, fuck you Apple.