I Don’t Know What Katy Perry Is On, But I Need To Find Out

Katy Perry is the Willy Wonka of the music world, don’t @ me.

-She’s alarmingly successful with countless number one hits (Wonka was a legend of the chocolate game)

-She always has a song that is annoyingly catchy (the Oompa Loompa Song went double-platinum with no features)

-She has weird back-up dancers that seem to do all the work (the Oompa Loompas go hard in the paint)

-And she is definitely on some shit (Willy Wonka was high the entire movie and don’t try to tell me different)

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These Oompa Loompas look like they’re about to drop the hardest beat of 2017

She’s infamous for doing the extreme and for some reason people absolutely eat it up. Here are some recent examples:

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At the 2015 Super Bowl when she rode in on the sand lion from Aladdin
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Her tribute to the “Sharknado” franchise, also at the Super Bowl
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Honestly don’t even know what is going on here
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Sure, why not

And then last night her performances on Saturday Night Live pretty much sealed the deal for me that she is on some type of drug that we all need to get on ASAP.

If you didn’t watch her performance, both are posted below:

Feel free to not watch either of those, but based on the cover photos alone you can figure out nobody in the audience had a single clue what was going on in front of their eyes.  I think Katy Perry caught onto that for a second because out of nowhere she would scream “Let’s GOO SNL” and people were far from ready to cheer for the musical, knock-off version of Comic-Con.

For fuck’s sake at the end of the second performance she started picking up fruit and throwing it around stage like an animal and even handed fake fruit out to Migos like it was the Last Supper. Either she knows the music sucked or she’s on hard-core hallucination shit, and all my hard-earned money is on the latter.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why 1) she brought the backpack kid on to an actual stage where millions of people were watching and 2) why Migos would ever accept the offer to do that terrible, horrible song.

Regardless, Katy Perry has been confirmed (by me) to be on life-changing drugs for a long time now and I think we should all take a page out her notebook and start trying it. She is absolutely wild. People who used their actual brain cells knew those performances were wacky as shit, but Katy Perry seemed to be loving every second of it.  She looked around at the crowd as if they were looking at her first-born child, but the crowd looked back as if she had just given birth to a fat ugly squid.

Katy Perry, I haven’t figured out exactly what you’re on, but keep doing you, the rest of the world will catch up eventually.

Joe Girardi is Phenomenal at Getting Tossed from Baseball Games

Aw yeah baby, the blog we’ve all been waiting for. This is the kind of topic most sports blogs don’t touch, too juicy. But not me, I’m coming at you 130 mph with the cold hard facts. This shit just solidified my spot for Pulitzer Prize consideration, I’m not even bragging. That’s right, tonight live and in action on the 1 and 2’s we’ve got America’s sweetheart, Joe Girardi. Before we jump into the details I’d like to start off by saying that I think Girardi is pretty ass at managing. For as stacked as the Yankees are, Girardi makes absolute common sense decisions look as challenging as robbing a casino in one night via card counting (shoutout Rainman shoutout Allen from the Hangover). This man puts Tommy Layne in so much you’d think the guy is the second coming for Christ/Mariano <-(these two names are synonyms btw). I will raise my children to hate Joe Girardi, and they’ll be better men for it, but I digress. There’s one thing that I absolutely love about this dipshit. My man absolutely muuuuuuuuuuurks getting thrown out of baseball games. I low key supported his 4 year contract extension strictly off of the fact that I get to watch this guy’s veins bulge out of his head when an ump tells him to sit his ass down another 10-15 times a season. To say Joe gets amped the fuck up is the understatement of the century. This man makes umpires reevaluate their lives when they toss him. The last one to do it quit his job and works in the perfume section at Macy’s now. Girardi never fails to amaze and tonight was no different. In the bottom of the 5th, following the sex panther that is pitching coach Larry Rothschild’s ejection, Joe came storming out barking at this umpire like he’s was the mailman delivering a jury duty notice. Thats when we sit back relax, and enjoy the program.

Oof, that’s what the boys back home call great content. As soon as Scott Barry gives the sassiest bitch ass toss I’ve ever had the misfortune of watching, Barkin Joe goes aaaaaape shit and I fuckin’ love it baby. Covering home plate with dirt is probably the biggest pet peeve you can throw onto the shoulders of an ump. Scotty B was definitley gripping his home plate brush so tight in his pocket when Girardi was making moves over there just saying in his head, “This motherfucker better not, HE BETTER NOT.” Oh Scotty boy, he did.

He should’ve known, you fuck with Larry Rothschild you get the bull and all makes and models of the horns. NO ONE fucks with Larry. Scott Barry’s no exception. Guy better sleep with his eyes peeled tonight, Girardi is coming for your home dish boss, he’s got mounds of sand and an aggressive attitude to go with it.

#FREELARRY2017

 

Lets be fucking honest, Aaron Rodgers is the best player in the NFL

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2015 Divisional Playoffs (Green Bay Packers @ Arizona Cardinals)

I really don’t care what anyone says, no quarterback in the league makes this play. Defensive coordinator James Bettcher is thinking, “Fuck this. Let’s just bring seven so he can’t afford the extra time he always buys in the pocket.” And it pretty much worked.

He couldn’t sit in the pocket and wait for his receivers to get down field. He couldn’t get off an ideal loft to the endzone. But he fucking did it anyway. Off his back foot, he launched a 50-yard bomb and took a smack by Markus Golden right after.

Now, I love Tom Brady more than the average Giants fan. He’s the greatest football player ever. BUT, I’m still taking Aaron Rodgers over him if I were a GM or coach. Here’s why:

  1. Rodgers is more accurate and has a better arm.
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      I’ll never understand how that football got there.
  2. His play-making ability.
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      Dolphins defense looks like he saw a ghost with that pump fake.
  3. How he can pretty much make any throw from anywhere on the field.
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      The guy just got cut in half and put the ball right on the numbers..across his body…40 yards away.
  4. Brady has the best coach in NFL history (not a knock on him, just the truth).
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      Felt like I had to continue the gif trend.

And Rodgers wins too.

I want to take this moment to give a nice, “Fuck you” to anyone that even attempted blaming Aaron Rodgers for the Packers 4-6 record. They were 4-2 and then it looked like I was cloned 11 times and placed at every position on their starting defense. They gave up an AVERAGE of 38 points per game in their losses to the Falcons, Colts (they lost that game at home, what the fuck??), Titans and Redskins.

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What was there to blame, his leadership? You mean the guy that’s made players like Randall Cobb, Davante Adams and Geronimo Allison into household names AND better players? Okay maybe not Geronimo yet (that name is really outstanding).

Rodgers and the offense, that featured a NON-EXISTENT running game, a shifting offensive-line, and constant injured receiving-targets (Randall Cobb, Jared Cook, Ty Montgomery), averaged 26 points per game. He not only led them to six straight wins and a division title, Rodgers also bullied the New York Giants vaunted defense and beat the NFC’s No. 1 seed on the road (Dallas Cowboys). It was Rodgers world, and we were all just living in it.

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Then in the NFC Championship, the defense went back to their old ways and gave up a fat 44-point burger on the Packers.

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Seriously, did the Packers secondary bet against themselves before this game? I’m not an expert on tackling fundamentals, but this actually makes me nauseous.

He’s an MVP candidate every season and has helped lead the most consistent team in the NFC over the past couple seasons.

Think about it, if Larry Fitzgerald didn’t crush their dreams in 2015, they would’ve made three consecutive NFC Championship games from 2014-2016.

Also, he’s just a cool guy too. Every time the media comes scrambling to him asking him why the Packers suck, he basically says, “Chill out, I’ll go win some games really quick, brb.”

It’s funny, because everyone knew some crazy shit was about to happen when they SPANKED the Seahawks on FOX: America’s Game of the Week during week 14. Seattle (8-3-1 at the time) was coming off a home blowout against the Panthers, and even though they lost Earl Thomas, many figured they would still give Rodgers some fits in the passing game. In the words of Donald Trump, “Wrong.”

Look at this play. Rolling to his right and hits Adams right in stride, with ease.

That’s what Rodgers can do for you. One game, one quarter, one play can spark a run for any team he’s around.

 

That shit must be annoying for Bears, Lions and Vikings fans to endure, but it’s pretty fun to analyze.

The Performance of Yankee First Basemen This Year Would Make Don Mattingly Roll Over In His Grave

First of all, I know Don Mattingly is technically still alive. But when you go from being the star first baseman for the New York Yankees to managing the Miami Marlins, you probably die a little inside. Anyway, to say the Yankees’ first basemen this year have not performed up to the standards of Don Mattingly is like saying Golden Grahams isn’t as good as Cinnamon Toast Crunch. They are so inferior that it actually makes you angry they pretend to be the same thing. I wouldn’t even call Chris Carter Golden Grahams, he’s more like Raisin Bran without any raisins.

Greg Bird came into the season as the starting first baseman after a huge spring training in which he hit .451 with 8 home runs, both team highs. However, he has started the season an abysmal 6-60, with three of the six hits coming in the same game against the Cardinals. He was placed on the DL on May 3rd after reportedly dealing with an ankle injury that he sustained late in spring training. Hopefully, the time off will help Bird return to his 2015 form, when he hit 11 home runs in just 46 games. This would complete the Yankees’ three-headed monster of young bats, along with Aaron Judge and Gary Sanchez.

As far as Bird’s replacement, Chris Carter, there isn’t much to say. This guy somehow led the NL in home runs last year, even though he did bat .222. I would take that for a backup first baseman, but Carter hasn’t even been hitting homers this year- he has only 2 in 28 games to go along with a .213 average. There have been some Yankees over the years whose presence in games just really pisses me off. Tanyon Sturtze coming in to pitch in 2005, A-Rod batting in any non-2009 playoff game, and now Chris Fucking Carter coming to bat. People are always talking about how to speed up MLB games, and I’ve got a great idea. Just charge the Yankees with an out every time Carter comes up to bat. I don’t need to waste any more time watching this guy try to bat. If I wanted to see someone attempt things they can’t possibly achieve, I’d watch a Mets game.

So please, get better Greg Bird. It’s what Donnie Baseball would have wanted.

Take A Lap: ESPN Edition

Sometimes in life, there are times when you did something so uncomprehendingly stupid, like wearing a bright red short sleeve flannel shirt with cargo shorts to the movies or trying to pimp a home run in gym softball and letting go of the bat and breaking a kid’s nose the day of Prom, that you just have to take a lap.

Some days it’s you, some days it’s your friend, some days it’s somebody who you may not even know, but somewhere somebody is doing something stupid and deserves to take a lap. Today, that moron was none other than ESPN and their dufus-filled scheduling team.

This morning, at 11 AM Eastern Standard Time, ESPN 2 aired the “2017 FIFA Ultimate Team Championship Series: Berlin” for a FULL FUCKING HOUR.  They put, on their actual channel, not like ESPN 8: The Ocho or some shit like that, on ESPN 2, their second biggest station, the Berlin FIFA Championship.

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First off, FIFA is a great video game to play.  When I play it, I’m like a pig in shit, and I’m actually quite terrible at the game.  I can’t imagine how much fun it would be if you’re good.  But I mean, you score 4 goals combined on a good day between the two teams usually, so there is not a lot of action.  What in the name of Chuck Knoblauch was ESPN thinking?

Nobody wants to even watch real soccer when the games matter.  They had difficulty getting Americans to watch their own team in the World Cup. If it wasn’t the championship or the semi-finals, only like 80 people tops cared. So why would the Berlin-based, video game version of that provoke anybody to sit down on their couch and actually watch that? We hate the Germans. They start every war and their accents suck.  I don’t care how good they are at FIFA, and I definitely don’t want to watch it on my TV when they could have thrown on a 30 For 30 or some random documentary about the knuckleball.

It just hurts my brain to think that the people at ESPN legitimately thought this was a good idea, considering the world of sports has an obscene amount of content and ESPN used to be prime television.  Nobody can literally be that stupid.  It was an hour of their time, just air another shitty Sportscenter, I don’t care.  Just not the fucking Berlin FIFA Championship.

And for that ESPN, take a lap.

Gisele Speaks… NFL cringes

Oh Gisele, you are better than that. Earlier this week when the supermodel/supermom/superwife announced that her husband, Jesus Christ… I mean Tom Brady had played the 2016-17 season with a concussion all the NFL could do was cringe. It seems as if every year the NFL botches some form of an investigation relating to player safety, cheating, or ya know, basic humanity (@ every NFL player who has been given a slap on the wrist for domestic violence).

Gisele uttering about Tommy Traffic’s head injury

This year, Gisele is coming in hot, and even though her interview with CBS Boston doesn’t sound like she knows a lick about concussions, or football for that matter, the fact that she spewed this information is the perfect diving board for the media to use to bait the NFL to looking stupid being that they now have to launch another investigation.

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↑↑↑ @ NFL ↑↑↑

At this point I wonder why the NFL even bothers with any of this nonsense anymore. A player’s wife crying concussion should have absolutely no grounds to launch an investigation, especially one that everyone knows the answer to. The Brady side has already come out trying to erase the slipup by Gisele. The Patriots have said there has been no reports of head injuries to Brady. Brady’s agent has agreed. It didn’t look like Brady was hindered by any type of injury, protocal, or defense last season either. Barring anything wild happening everyone and their mother knows that Brady’s medical records will come back clean. The only matter more certain than Brady not being concussed is that the NFL, once again, is wasting their time on a situation that the media has dubbed a scandal.

Being that this will be the second loss the NFL is about to take to Brady this year (Deflategate obviously being the first) you can now pencil Brady beating 4 teams twice this year, the Jets, Bills, Dolphins, and the NFL.

Sweet Mother of Christ, James Harrison: Episode 6,984

Summer bod coming along well? Seeing nice results at the gym? Awesome, happy for you, prepare to feel as soft as baby shit.

*Jon Gruden gets boner spanning from sea to shining sea*

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“I’ll tell ya what man, boner city, great stuff, man.” Can’t blame Gruden on this one. Madness. Absolute madness. These hips could tear down cities. We could use them as a defense mechanism against Isis. You get smacked with one hip thrust from James Harrison and it’ll send you from New York to LA quicker than Delta ever could, even before they were beating up people in coach. Like to say that this is borderline obscene would be like saying Obama only dabbled a handful of times with dubbies in high school. Bull fucking shit, Barry O was a god damn chimney in high school and this shit, that I guess we’ll consider exercise, is absolutely unfathomable. So many questions we could ask from this Insagram post, you could literally open libraries filled to the brim with them. For example, who in God’s name wakes up in the morning and decides that they’re gonna hump out 5 reps of 695 pounds of iron? That thought alone should have laws against it. Also, what kind of 39 year old man does this? If your 39 years old, the hardest workout of your day should consist of lifting up the hangers of the different colored golf polos you want from TJ Maxx and/or Marshall’s (depending on personal preference). You should legitimately be in discount retail stores, James Harrison, this is insanity. Working out like this is so ungodly it makes my stomach ache out of complete and utter respect. You could be 65, speak 8 languages, ruled more than one country, made love to the most beautiful models, conquered the Roman Empire- doesn’t matter. You get one glimpse of this Instagram, your ass Benjamin Button’s straight back to a child. James Harrison is in such a high class on the man scale that Clint Eastwood is actually considered the opposite sex up there.

This guy is just an absolute man amongst boys to put it in simplest words. We all have to come together and use his powers for good. Harrison’s lower torso, if not now, soon will be considered the most lethal weapon on the face of the Earth. What’s that? Skeptics I’m hearing?? Show me one James Harrison in North Korea and I’ll stop talking…

Thought so.

Oh, and someone tell Shakira she lost her hips gig, thanks.