Gleyber Torres Needs Tommy John and I am Dead Inside

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Fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. My Mets fan friend Tat literally just texted me saying Gleyber needs Tommy John and I thought he was just trolling me because we’re assholes that do that to each other. Just the other day he almost convinced me multiple Yankees from the 90s dynasty teams got addicted to drugs and/or HIV because they were so depressed after their run was over. (Definitely had to clear the search history after researching that one.)

Anyway, I know Gleyber isn’t even on the major league team, but Chase Headley is the WORST and it was basically a general assumption among Yankee fans that Gleyber was gonna come up and take his spot sooner rather than later. He was just starting to come into his own in AAA too after a slow start. Tommy John has been pretty fine-tuned to this point, but who knows what the timetable is for his return.

This really puts the Yanks in a tough spot for 2017 because I’m really not sure how much of a playoff/World Series run they can make with Chase Headley playing every day. Between this and dropping our last 6 games to the Angels and A’s, I feel like I know what it means to be a Mets fan. Get well soon, Gleyber, our future dynasty depends on it.

I Guess Red Sox Fans Are Just Born Narcs

The YouTube clip’s quality was so bad it looked like it was filmed in 1993, so you’re gonna have to watch the play here courtesy of our good friends over at ESPN.

First things first, I HATE when fans interfere with balls in play, especially when it hurts your team in some way. This wasn’t even a Steve Bartman where the ball is coming at you, this guy just throws himself at the ball which is clearly still in play. Springer had a double either way, so it honestly didn’t matter. But how about this little narc of a Red Sox fan tattling on the Astros fan?

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Classic Red Sox fan right there. Always the first to point out that A-Rod did indeed take steroids, but seem to forget what steroids are when you remind them Manny and Big Papi BOTH took PEDs. Also, 2/10 effort from this Astros fan. If I’m him, I’m denying the shit out of touching that ball. If you have first row seats and let them kick you out with that little of restraint, you’re doing it completely wrong.

Also, how about this blonde smokeshow in the first row?

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Too bad she’s a Sox fan though. Almost completely ruins it.

P.S. I was gonna blog about the Yankees but I’d get too depressed.

Throwback Thursday: National Geographic Lights Up the Internet with Penguin Fighting Video

Not these Penguins

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These boys.

What a fight, let’s get these penguins in the octagon and get this shit on Pay-Per View.

Beak, flipper, beak, beak, beak, left flipper, THIS GUY’S A SOUTHPAW!!!!!

I mean the back and forth, the suspense, the COMEBACK?!?!, and the final defeat. Unbeatable and undefeated, Mother Nature takes another W.

Imagine sitting around watching that, though? That’s bigger than middle school drama, that’s like if you see parents fighting at a Little League game and even the players stop to watch, but nobody says anything about it EVER. You just have to let them clear the air and let bygones be bygones (I have no idea what a bygone is by the way).

All the other penguins were just sitting there watching like:

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Sadly enough, the hoe of a wife chose the homewrecker, and somewhere Chris Brown is hollowly shouting “These hoes ain’t loyal”.

If this video doesn’t describe modern Twitter crazes, I don’t know what else would. Before you know it there will be a series on E! called “Keeping Up with the Penguins”, and you’ll NEVER guess what Mother Penguin said.

Keep up the good work, Nat Geo.  That’s journalism at its finest.

 

 

I’ll Watch the Rocky Movies Over Mayweather/McGregor Any Day

This fight has been anticipated for awhile now. Boxing’s best vs. the MMA’s best. These guys are both champs that have big personalities and a certain swagger to them. Sounds like an awesome fight. But you know what? I’m not buying it.

I’ve got no rationale behind this. I know next to nothing about boxing or MMA but I just don’t care about this fight. Means nothing to me. I think all the guys in the fighting industry are amazing promoters who can get people excited for these fights, but the fights will never live up to expectations. I remember sitting in my basement with my friends senior year watching the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. We all spent like $16 on the pay-per-view and had been looking forward to it all week. I don’t know what happened after that, but it wasn’t a fight. It looked like an awkward bar encounter between two guys who were both too drunk to actually throw and punches. One of the biggest wastes of time and money in my entire life, and definitely the most disappointed I’ve ever been by a sporting event.

So now you’re telling me I’m supposed to spend money to watch the same defensive boxer “fight” a guy who doesn’t even box? No thanks boys, I’m good. I’d much rather put my money towards beer.

Am I possibly wrong? Could this end up being one of the best fights ever? More than possible. I don’t know enough to deny that. But my standards of boxing will always be too high because of the Rocky movies. I mean look at this fake 30-for-30 on Rocky 4.

 

“These guys were landing 91% of their power punches!” Classic. I mean when else have you seen a juiced-up Soviet kill an American boxing hero in the ring, only for his best friend to come out of retirement to fight him in Russia on Christmas and end the Cold War by beating him? That’s what I thought. And even if the old Rocky movies aren’t your thing, you can’t tell me you didn’t enjoy Creed. Michael B. Jordan is one of the more underrated actors in America.

So have fun wasting your money on Mayweather/McGregor. Hell, maybe McGregor will win and I’ll miss out. But no matter what happens, neither of these guys will ever be as big of a legend as Rocky Balboa.

Best Minicamp Headlines

It’s possibly the most boring part of the NFL season (except the Scouting Combine): The practice sessions before training camp. Luckily, thanks to many hard-working reporters, us fans get a little sniff of the 2017 NFL rosters.

I would be a huge fan of this signing. Tennessee’s receiving core is a little murky, and even though Decker is far from a No. 1 receiver, he brings some experience to their position. Plus they have to cut Harry Douglass, guy is more focused on tearing ACL’s than catching passes.

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I really don’t blame the guy, I think he deserves a new deal. In his past three seasons, he’s recorded 1,000 yards-receiving in each year. If that doesn’t convince you enough, Zach Ertz and Charles Clay are making more than him, according to NBC Sports. Not saying they’re terrible, but Olsen is practically Carolina’s best receiving target.

That Ravens receiving core was looking very strange with Mike Wallace and Breshad Perriman set in stone as their two outside guys. Luckily, the Chiefs gave them a blessing in the form of Jeremy Maclin. He already enters the team as the best route-runner, pass catcher and overall receiver. Kinda makes me question Baltimore. Like, if Kansas City never released him, that was their plan? Wallace and Perriman? Ozzie Newsome must be sipping some shit.

Look at that. First day on the job and he already jacks Perriman’s number.

Thank the lord this crisis it over. Yes Odell is “back” as he says, and the NFL world can go back to their normal state. The more I think about it, the more silly it seems. The guy missed OTAs and fifty different rumors emerged. You would’ve thought he was skipping actual games to go clubbing with Lavar Ball and co.

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Probably in an enviroment like this.

This…this right here deserves no commentary.

Gary Sheffield Wants to Make Baseball Tough Again

In a recent article in The Player’s Tribune, the formerly relevant Gary Sheffield was asked how he’d change the game if he was the new commissioner of baseball.  Some changes made sense for sure, like getting rid of replay to speed the game up, and some were kind of a stretch, like extending the play-in wild card game to a series.

But one stood out to me, and that was the fact that Gary Sheffield wants brawls…and he wants them now. He believes that if a pitcher has the right to throw at a hitter, the hitter should have every right to go right the fuck back at the pitcher and light him up like a Christmas tree.

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I’m all in, Gary. Granted, you have forearms that are bigger than most people’s legs and could probably end a pitcher’s career with one punch to the esophagus. But, you still have a point. You have to be able to defend your right to stand in that box.

Baseball, along with other sports, is getting wayyyyyyy too soft. We gotta go back to the days when batters didn’t even wear helmets at the plate and still cranked 500 footers like it was nothing. No batting gloves, no helmets, no elbow guard, no Evo shield, no problem. It was Stud City, Popualtion: Everyone.

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If there is anything that needs to be changed about baseball, it’s that it needs to stop being such a gentleman’s sport.  If you wanna stay safe and avoid bruises and brawls, stay on the bench. If you wanna man up and defend your team and yourself, then step right up, you’re first in line.

It’s one of the few reasons I like Bryce Harper. Nobody fucks with him without getting it right back.

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Ignoring the fact he looks like wanna-be frat star who’s dad bought him the wrong boat for his 19th birthday and he freaked out, he takes no shit.  Not that we need more Bryce Harper’s, but we need more athletes with that “Fuck you” attitude.

We need another Pedro, a guy who is gonna throw an 80 year old Don Zimmer (RIP) to the ground.

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We need more guys like Roger Clemens who throw broken bats at players like they’re throwing knives in COD.

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And we need straight BRAWLS

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KD Should Forefeit His MVP Trophy For Spitting Out His Beer

I’ll save the whole usual KD rant because everyone already understands this guy is a sellout who took the easy road to win a title. Was even gonna say I gained a tiny bit of respect for him considering how well he played in the Finals. But I draw the freaking line at this.

What the fuck, man? Are you a 28-year old man who just won his first NBA Finals or a DARE officer? There isn’t a better feeling than cracking open a cold one with the boys after a big win, but apparently KD isn’t a fan. So have your superteam. Keep shooting 3’s and attacking the rim only to fade away from contact because you’re the lankiest human being ever created. But don’t you ever spit out another postgame cold one. Especially when you’re with the boys.

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