The University of Maryland Announces First-Annual Valedicktorian

The University of Maryland is proud to announce their first-annual Valedicktorian, with the esteemed recipient being ‘future CEO’ Gio Managadze.

The University outlined the qualifications as follows:

  • Must not have any respect for the vast amounts of money that your parents have spent the better part of their adult lives saving for you
  • Must have an ego unproportionally large in comparison to your micro-penis
  • Must think of yourself as the most logical, fearless individual on the planet, while simultaneously looked upon as an irrational, conceited, unappreciative, and attention-seeking prick by the vast majority of the internet
  • Must write in the most overtly douchey style possible
  • Must give the university at least $150k, yet may not attend over 25% of courses or earn a degree

The University supports Gio in his quest to shut up the haters and conquer Silicon Valley! We are confident that his Valedicky personality will translate beautifully to the professional world!

While giving his online commencement speech to the world through an open LinkedIn letter, Valedicktorian Gio displayed his vast wisdom at the ripe young age of 20-something, providing the internet with some truly remarkable quotes.


What is fear?

Fear doesn’t make any sense to me.

Fear is not an emotion. 

You can’t feel fear. 

Fear is all in your head.

If it’s in your head that means you can completely block it out.”

It may be easy to not be scared of anything when you live the life of Gio, but to put this message out to the world, and basically shame all those who posses fear, is ludicrous.  If I could talk to Gio, I would ask him to convince a young child in Syria, who fears for their life every single day, that “Fear is all in your head.”  Actually, fuck that.

I want Gio to look THIS KID RIGHT HERE in the eyes, and convince him that any and all of his fears are in his head.  If he could do that, well then damnit I’ll drop out and invest the rest of my college tuition into whatever his absurd mind oh so desires.

When this kid started saying that he “give[s] [the University of Maryland] zero credit for [his] education,” and claims that the only people who have contributed to his success are the likes of Ellen, Eminem, and Busta Rhymes, he completely lost me.  UMD is full of amazing professors, many of whom could have changed his life, but he would have never known because he “almost never went to any class ever after freshman year.”  

Then again I do not know if any UMD professor could compare in inspiration to Eminem when he said, “I’m sorry Puff but I don’t give a fuck if this chick was my own mother / I’d still fuck her with no rubber and cum inside her and have a son and a new brother at the same time / And just say that it ain’t mine, what’s my name.”

This felt like a long article, but turns out its only about 17% as long as Gio’s, I suppose making me only 17% of a d-bag.

P.S. Considering UMD does not have a Valedictorian, you and I are just as much the valedictorian as Gio supposedly was

20 Best Games I’ve Watched in My 20 Years of Life

Turning 20 is honestly a really insignificant birthday. Sure, I’m not a teenager anymore, but that’s basically it. I still can’t legally buy alcohol, go to a bar, or gamble in a casino. However, one thing I do realize on my 20th birthday is how many awesome sporting events I’ve watched in my life. Here are the top 20 sporting events I’ve seen, in person or on television, in my lifetime. This list is obviously pretty biased towards my favorite teams (Yankees, Giants, Rutgers), and I didn’t include any games from before 2004 because I can’t remember too much before that.

20. Giants beat Cowboys 10-7 on Sunday Night Football, 12/11/16

The Cowboys came into this game 11-1, with the 1 loss already coming from the Giants in Week 1. However, the media insisted all week that this was a “different Cowboys team,” and that rookie QB Dak Prescott had matured a lot since Week 1. While that may have been true, Eli Manning and the Giants did what they do best and embraced the underdog role to beat Dallas.

19. 2016 World Series Game 7

I’m not a Cubs fan, but ever since I’ve visited Wrigley Field a few years ago they’ve been my favorite National League team to watch. This extra-inning thriller embodied everything playoff baseball should be, and ended with the Cubs bringing home their first championship in 108 years.

18. 2015 Women’s World Cup Final

I literally only care about soccer during the World Cup, so seeing our women’s team win it in 2015 was awesome. Especially with Rutgers alum Carli Lloyd leading the charge with a hat trick in just 16 minutes.

17. Rutgers Football beats Michigan in 2014

Not quite the 77-0 loss I had to witness this year. RU beating Michigan at home for its first Big Ten win was awesome to watch. Still waiting for a game where I can storm the field while I’m there.

16. 2017 NCAA Basketball Final

Being a Rutgers basketball fan means not having anyone to root for in March Madness. UNC has been my tournament team since I was little. Seeing them win this year was awesome, especially after the heartbreaker they lost in 2016.

15. Jeter “Dive” Game vs. Red Sox, 2004

I was young, but I remember watching this game. At the height of the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry, the captain puts his body on the line to make an unbelievable catch, and John Flaherty wins it in the 13th.

14. Jeremy Lin drops 25 to beat Nets (2012)

The start of Linsanity, the last time it wasn’t miserable being a Knicks fan. Those were the days.

13. Luis Castillo game

No explanation needed. Not being a Mets fan is the birthday gift that keeps on giving.

12. Rutgers Basketball beats Wisconsin at home (2015)

I was there for this one. Pretty cool to see Rutgers beat the team that should’ve won the national championship that year, even if Frank Kaminsky didn’t play.

11. Giants win Conference Championship over 49ers (2012)

Giants OT win to go back to the Super Bowl? Unreal game. Also, fuck Colin Kaepernick.

10. Jeter’s last game at Yankee Stadium

Still gives me goosebumps every time

9. 2013 NBA Finals Game 6

I feel weird putting this above some of the Yankee wins because I wasn’t a Heat fan at all, but this was an unbelievable game. I’ve been a LeBron fan for awhile too, so that’s another reason this cracked my top 10. Ray Allen with one of the most clutch shots of all-time too.

8. 2009 ALDS Game 2

I know this was only the ALDS, but it would’ve been really demoralizing to go into Minnesota with the series tied. A-Rod, in his lone postseason where he wasn’t totally useless, tied it in the 9th before Teix finished it in extras. Great game.

7. Giants win 2007 NFC championship

Lawrence Tynes! Bring on the Patriots, baby!

6. George Steinbrenner game (2010)

I was at this game, so it’s higher on my list than most people would have it. Pre-game ceremony honoring the recently deceased Boss, as well as Bob Sheppard, before Swisher hits a walk-off. The stadium was going crazy.

5. Rutgers Beats Louisville

The original Rutgers Football upset. Can’t relate tbh.

4. 2016 NBA Finals Game 7

People forget the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals. LeBron finally brings a championship to Cleveland in one of the best basketball games ever.

3. Super Bowl XLVI

Did you know no one has beaten Tom Brady in the Super Bowl besides the Giants?

2. 2009 World Series Game 6

The Yankees are my favorite team in any sport, and seeing them win a championship was a ton of fun. Greatest franchise in the history of professional sports. Can’t wait to add more trophies with this new crop of guys.

1. Super Bowl XLII

Did I mention the Giants were the only team to beat Brady in the Super Bowl… and they did it twice? Tyree catch, Plax in the end zone, perfect season ruined. Greatest Super Bowl and sporting event of all time, don’t @me.

It may only have been 20 years, but I feel like I’ve seen a lifetime’s worth of great games.

The Mets Need Bullpen Help, Badly… And Their Most Recent Signing is Not Going To Help

(Note: Header picture is from 2012, but I would not be shocked if this years ranks look the same)

Anyone who has been watching this Mets team so far this season knows that something is off. It feels as though everything possible that could go wrong has gone wrong. The team has already lost its best hitter, best starter, and closer to injury, with the pitchers going to be on the DL until July or August. At 18-24, I am not panicking, mostly because I know we will get healthier (knock on wood, because this is the softest team in the league), and our biggest weakness coming into the year, offense, has done well. The obvious weakness is the bullpen. Since losing Yoenis Cespedes on April 28, the Mets have gone 10-11. Overall, the Mets have played great without him, winning 2 of 3 in 5 of the 7 series. So why the under .500 record? Because of 2 DEMORALIZING sweeps in Milwaukee and Arizona. Now, both of these two teams have had much better starts to the season than expected, however, this is a trip that the Mets should go at least 3-3. The Mets had a legit shot to win 4 out of the 6 games, and all 4 of those were lost on the bullpen. The most notable name in these bullpen implosions is Hansel Robles. The TV cameras panning to the bullpen and showing Robles warming up is like the CBS constantly showing replays of Kevin Ware’s leg injury while we were all trying to enjoy Easter Sunday with our families in 2013. TURN IT OFF, MAKE IT STOP! Now, flash back to last Wednesday, a few hours before the Mets would get swept by the Diamondbacks (on another blown lead by the bullpen). I was waiting in line at a party and got this notification on my phone.


Oh perfect, the Mets are in dire need of bullpen help, let’s bring in a guy with a fucking 8.71 ERA, who has already been designated for assignment by two teams this year, with both of them having bad starts to the season. Well, flash forward to this past Saturday. The Mets were coming off a 3-0 against the Angels to snap their 7 game losing streak, and had a 7-2 lead going into the ninth. I was in attendance for the game, and like everyone else in the stadium, was feeling great with the lead especially since the Mets put up 3 in the bottom of the 8th to add extra insurance. Well, enter Neil Ramirez. I heard his name and I’m thinking, “Never heard of this guy, must be a recent call up from AAA”. I look up at the scoreboard at his stats, and what do I see, that fat 8.71 ERA, and it hit me. “Oh no, not this guy”. Immediately, I was the only fan in the stadium who did not feel comfortable with this lead. Sure enough, Ramirez lets the first 3 guys on, and Terry Collins takes him out. I am on the side that says Terry gets a lot more criticism than he deserves because of the injuries and ups and downs he has dealt with the last 2 seasons, but his management of this bullpen has been almost as bad as the bullpen itself. Addison Reed would come in, and even though the runs were not charged to him, he allowed all 3 to score, but ended up striking out Danny Espinosa with the bases loaded to finally seal a 7-5 win.

Neil Ramirez would bounce back and throw a scoreless inning yesterday against the Angels, but this move still has me scratching my head. But the question remains, how are the Mets going to fix this bullpen? If the starting pitching can get back to full strength, and the offense can keep it up at a good pace, this Mets team is undoubtedly a dangerous team that could get hot in the second half like we have seen the past two seasons. However, because of this bullpen, it could go in either direction. We saw a team like the Giants last year, who had the best record in baseball at the All-Star break, fall apart in the second half because of their bullpen that blew 32 saves. Thirty-two! They barely hung on to earn the second Wild Card spot, and after beating the Mets (on a bullpen loss), they had a chance to force a Game 5 in Chicago and potentially change history as we now know it, only to blow another save and allow the Cubs to move on. I’ve been saying in the early part of this season, it would be a shame if this era of Mets baseball is ultimately hindered by the fact that their starters could not stay healthy. While that point still stands, we are now looking a team who could be a great one, but that could never finish the job because they did not have the bullpen to support.

Let’s be honest though, the Mets may just be cursed this year because of one offseason move (or lack thereof).


I don’t care what his stats show this year, or what we have to give up. Bring home Big Sexy.

HOT TAKE: LaVar Ball is the BEST Thing to Happen to Basketball in the Last 100 Years

Unless you’re Patrick Star, you have heard the words of Nike exec George Raveling claiming that LaVar Ball is “the worst thing to happen to basketball in the past 100 years.”

Based on all of my basketball experience, making it all the way to becoming a backup Junior Varsity shooting guard, I can confidently tell you that my man Georgie is not only incorrect, but in fact, he could not be more wrong.

Before I begin telling you why LaVar is the GOAT (yes, it did pain me to write that), lets get some things out of the way.

  1. LaVar has absolutely no clue wtf he is talking about
  2. His sexist comments on ‘The Herd’ are unacceptable
  3. He may have taught his kids to play “Chino Hills” cherry-picking offense, but we are yet to see this transfer to the NBA, let alone March Madness success
  4. It is absurd that I could literally board United flight 758 from Newark to LA just to beat the shit out of LaVar for $53 less than a pair of “Big Baller Brand” shoes

Now, we get to the fun part.

The NBA has had a viewership problem in recent years, with viewership declining 6% from the 2015-2016 season, and the amount of viewers being nowhere close to the NFL’s.  They need a reason for people to be excited to watch the NBA, and the product of LaVar’s sperm, paired with his painfully pompous personality, has provided us with just that.

The NBA regular season and playoffs is nothing more than a really long wait to see the Cavs and Warriors battle in the Finals.  I do not care if you love the Celtics more than Bill Russell, you’re playing yourself if you think they stand a chance against LeGoat and cast.  The NBA regular season/ playoffs needs some excitement, and the hype that LaVar has created can give us just that.

Let us assume that Lonzo goes #2 to the Lakers.  He would be rejuvenating the second most winning-est franchise of all-time not only with his undeniable ability, but also with much needed attention.  The last time the Lakers were relevent in a basketball sense was April 13, 2016, when Kobe dropped 60 for a 17-65 Lakers squad.  Since the Lakers last winning season in 2012-2013…

  • The Cubs won a World Series
  • Sochi, Russia hosted the Olympics
  • Leonardo fucking DiCaprio won an Oscar
  • A dead gorilla took over pop culture
  • Same-sex marriage was legalized

In no way is this poking at Harambe (may he Rest in Peace), but it goes to show that one of the NBA’s most popular franchises has been out of the loop for far too long.

If Lonzo goes to the Lakers, the next day, Lakers’ merchandise sales skyrocket.  Not only do Lonzo jerseys/ shirts sell left and right, but so does all LA Laker gear just because of the thousands of Big Baller Bandwagoners.  Regardless of who the Lakers play on opening day, thousands and thousands more people will tune in just to see LaVar’s son play.  Even if these viewers want him to fail, they are bringing in some much-needed revenue to the NBA.

This can hold true for whatever franchise Lonzo finds himself playing for, and while Lonzo’s skill will propel his team, his father is what will propel fans.  His blasphemous personality, obscene statements, and lack of common sense make people want to know his every move.  There is a reason he has dominated the news cycle – if no one gave a shit, they would not report on him, yet they do.

In conclusion, I hope another person like LaVar is never, ever, ever born.  With that being said, since the only other person being hated on more by the media is Putin’s Puppet, he must be doing something right.

Some Situations Comparable to This Year’s NBA Conference Finals

You might be surprised to hear this, but both NBA Conference Finals series have been pretty brutal to watch this year. The Spurs look lost without Kawhi Leonard while taking on possibly the greatest on-paper NBA team ever, the Warriors, in the West. Likewise, the Isaiah Thomas-less Celts are even more screwed against LeBron and the Cavs than they were before their All-Star point guard went down. While Warriors-Cavs round 3 promises to be a great NBA Finals, these series are absolutely pathetic excuses for playoff basketball, or basketball at all. Adam Silver and company probably cringe just watching Kelly Olynyk pretend to know what he’s doing out there- I know the rest of America is.

There is a 0% chance I watch any more of the remaining games in either series. The thought of tuning in makes me feel uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, that here are some situations I would compare to watching any more of either series:

-A sex scene coming on while watching a movie with your parents

-Walking into a department store and asking where the selection of male rompers are located

-Seeing someone on campus you met at a party, but not being sure if they remember you well enough to say hi since you were both trashed

-Walking into an exam you didn’t remember you had until the night before

You get my point. Watching these games is not just boring, but actually cringe-worthy. I’m not gonna waste my time watching 30-point losses, or even the highlights for that matter. If I see one more clip of Greg Popovich being rude to a reporter for no reason and everyone laughing out loud like it’s a joke straight out of Step Brothers, I’m gonna lose it. Get over it, Pop, you didn’t have any chance with Kawhi, but it’s embarassing how bad you are without him. As for the Celtics, at least you have the #1 pick. I’d hold onto that if I were them, maybe by the time Markelle Fultz develops, LeBron will have come back down to Earth. But for now, he’s playing like one of the Monstars, and the Celtics are playing like KD after he lost his abilities in Thunderstruck. (Did Kevin Durant really think doing a knockoff Space Jam was a good idea? Did he think he wasn’t gonna get mocked for it? As if the movie wasn’t based in Oklahoma fucking City? One of the many reasons I hate that guy.)

People have been predicting a Warriors/Cavs finals since Game 7 ended last year, so it’s no surprise that that’s what we’re gonna get (Except for the people who insisted the Cavs weren’t making it out of the East this year. Those are the worst kind of people.) But I wish the build-up was a little better. There’s no other sport where the difference between the top 2 teams and the rest of the league is this wide. It’s a crime that the NBA expects us to watch these games (The Finals start June 1, in case you were wondering.)

Don’t try and explain it to us, NBA. Just get better.

P.S. Can we all just agree that Steph Curry’s mom is a straight GILF and get on with our lives? If my wife still looks like this when we have grandkids, I’ll consider myself a lucky guy.

steph curry mom


I Don’t Know What Katy Perry Is On, But I Need To Find Out

Katy Perry is the Willy Wonka of the music world, don’t @ me.

-She’s alarmingly successful with countless number one hits (Wonka was a legend of the chocolate game)

-She always has a song that is annoyingly catchy (the Oompa Loompa Song went double-platinum with no features)

-She has weird back-up dancers that seem to do all the work (the Oompa Loompas go hard in the paint)

-And she is definitely on some shit (Willy Wonka was high the entire movie and don’t try to tell me different)

Image result for oompa loompa
These Oompa Loompas look like they’re about to drop the hardest beat of 2017

She’s infamous for doing the extreme and for some reason people absolutely eat it up. Here are some recent examples:

Image result for katy perry super bowl lion
At the 2015 Super Bowl when she rode in on the sand lion from Aladdin
Image result for katy perry super bowl 2015 sharks
Her tribute to the “Sharknado” franchise, also at the Super Bowl
Image result for katy perry super bowl gif
Honestly don’t even know what is going on here
Image result for katy perry california gurls
Sure, why not

And then last night her performances on Saturday Night Live pretty much sealed the deal for me that she is on some type of drug that we all need to get on ASAP.

If you didn’t watch her performance, both are posted below:

Feel free to not watch either of those, but based on the cover photos alone you can figure out nobody in the audience had a single clue what was going on in front of their eyes.  I think Katy Perry caught onto that for a second because out of nowhere she would scream “Let’s GOO SNL” and people were far from ready to cheer for the musical, knock-off version of Comic-Con.

For fuck’s sake at the end of the second performance she started picking up fruit and throwing it around stage like an animal and even handed fake fruit out to Migos like it was the Last Supper. Either she knows the music sucked or she’s on hard-core hallucination shit, and all my hard-earned money is on the latter.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why 1) she brought the backpack kid on to an actual stage where millions of people were watching and 2) why Migos would ever accept the offer to do that terrible, horrible song.

Regardless, Katy Perry has been confirmed (by me) to be on life-changing drugs for a long time now and I think we should all take a page out her notebook and start trying it. She is absolutely wild. People who used their actual brain cells knew those performances were wacky as shit, but Katy Perry seemed to be loving every second of it.  She looked around at the crowd as if they were looking at her first-born child, but the crowd looked back as if she had just given birth to a fat ugly squid.

Katy Perry, I haven’t figured out exactly what you’re on, but keep doing you, the rest of the world will catch up eventually.

Joe Girardi is Phenomenal at Getting Tossed from Baseball Games

Aw yeah baby, the blog we’ve all been waiting for. This is the kind of topic most sports blogs don’t touch, too juicy. But not me, I’m coming at you 130 mph with the cold hard facts. This shit just solidified my spot for Pulitzer Prize consideration, I’m not even bragging. That’s right, tonight live and in action on the 1 and 2’s we’ve got America’s sweetheart, Joe Girardi. Before we jump into the details I’d like to start off by saying that I think Girardi is pretty ass at managing. For as stacked as the Yankees are, Girardi makes absolute common sense decisions look as challenging as robbing a casino in one night via card counting (shoutout Rainman shoutout Allen from the Hangover). This man puts Tommy Layne in so much you’d think the guy is the second coming for Christ/Mariano <-(these two names are synonyms btw). I will raise my children to hate Joe Girardi, and they’ll be better men for it, but I digress. There’s one thing that I absolutely love about this dipshit. My man absolutely muuuuuuuuuuurks getting thrown out of baseball games. I low key supported his 4 year contract extension strictly off of the fact that I get to watch this guy’s veins bulge out of his head when an ump tells him to sit his ass down another 10-15 times a season. To say Joe gets amped the fuck up is the understatement of the century. This man makes umpires reevaluate their lives when they toss him. The last one to do it quit his job and works in the perfume section at Macy’s now. Girardi never fails to amaze and tonight was no different. In the bottom of the 5th, following the sex panther that is pitching coach Larry Rothschild’s ejection, Joe came storming out barking at this umpire like he’s was the mailman delivering a jury duty notice. Thats when we sit back relax, and enjoy the program.

Oof, that’s what the boys back home call great content. As soon as Scott Barry gives the sassiest bitch ass toss I’ve ever had the misfortune of watching, Barkin Joe goes aaaaaape shit and I fuckin’ love it baby. Covering home plate with dirt is probably the biggest pet peeve you can throw onto the shoulders of an ump. Scotty B was definitley gripping his home plate brush so tight in his pocket when Girardi was making moves over there just saying in his head, “This motherfucker better not, HE BETTER NOT.” Oh Scotty boy, he did.

He should’ve known, you fuck with Larry Rothschild you get the bull and all makes and models of the horns. NO ONE fucks with Larry. Scott Barry’s no exception. Guy better sleep with his eyes peeled tonight, Girardi is coming for your home dish boss, he’s got mounds of sand and an aggressive attitude to go with it.