San Francisco Giants Continue Trend of Being Baseball’s Version of the Weird Kid That Sits Alone at Lunch

Last night, while going through my nightly Twitter feed at what was probably closer to 2 AM, I saw this tweet:

This is the MOST San Francisco Giants record ever.  Not only are they close to breaking the record, the record they are close to breaking is their own record.  And that record is a record nobody cares about…for the record.  That’s like the weird kid nearing his own personal best of how many times he read Stephen King’s “The Shining” in one night, and then expecting people to think it’s cool.  The book is creepy, reading it more than once ever is creepy, and hitting 17 solo home runs in a row is creepy.  Get a guy on base, show consecutive power.  It’s an uncomfortable stat from the weirdest team in baseball.

The Giants have been that weird kid for a while now, though.  Everything they do is just slightly unorthodox and differs from the norm.

The most common point of interest is the “Even Year” stat.  The Giants won the World Series in 2010, 2012, and then again in 2014. And they came pretty far from the playoffs in 2011, 2013, and 2015. It was like an on and off switch for them.  When they felt like winning, they did, and when they got bored of baseball, they just stopped.  It just doesn’t make logical sense how a team could be great, bad, great, horrible, great again, then bad again.  Again, just weird.

They have also had a great deal of characters on the team during these eras. And they all just have that discomforting look in their eyes…

Image result for brian wilson giants
Brian “The Beard” Wilson
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The Hunchback of San Francisco, Hunter Pence
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The GOAT, Madison Bumgarner, who doesn’t enjoy smiling when winning and doubles as a lumberjack in the winter…

And of course, how can you forget about “Full Clubhouse”

I’ll admit, this makes me crack up every time. But even a broken clock is right twice a day. The weird kid got one right, but in and of itself, the joke was still weird nonetheless.

In a way, there’s an interesting allure about the weird kid.  You like to keep your head on a swivel around him, and maybe, just maybe, he’ll do something that peaks your interest. I am far from a San Francisco Giants fan, but I always keep an eye out for them, just to see what they’re up to.  Break that record San Fran, it’s what you do best.

15 Greatest Games/Moments of My Sports Fandom

After reading Stanzo’s greatest games watched of his 20 years on Earth, I decided to think of a similar ranking. However, these apply only to my teams. As a Cowboys, Mets, Nets, and Rangers fan, I have never been fortunate enough to witness any of my teams win on the biggest stage. The Cowboys won their 3rd Super Bowl in 4 years just five months before I was born on July 9, 1996, and the Rangers won a Stanley Cup 2 years prior. Some (including myself) would say this curse is my fault, but hey, even the Cubs won eventually (it took them 108 years, I may not live until then, so that may not matter in my case). Most fans probably wouldn’t still have the passion to root after nearly 21 straight years of misery, but I’m a believer that the first title is going to be a special one and worth the wait (which is what I said when the Mets went down 3-1 to the Royals). However, I’ve still got years worth of incredible games and moments that I will always remember, even when I finally win (*knocks on wood*).

15. 2014 Week 12: Cowboys 31, Giants 28


Everyone and their mother remembers this game for the Odell Beckham Jr.’s ridiculous one-handed touchdown catch- except for Cowboys fans. In a crucial late season road game for the Cowboys, and a game in which the reeling Giants were playing for pride against their rivals, the Cowboys were able to overcome this catch and a 21-10 halftime deficit with Dez Bryant’s game winning touchdown with just 1:01 remaining.

14. 2015 Eastern Conference Quarterfinals Game 4: Nets 120, Hawks 115 (OT)


In some ways, making the NBA Playoffs as a later seed can fun, even though you know your team virtually has no chance to win the title. Being that this is the case, there is a lot less stress as a fan, and as long as you’re not going up against the Cavs or Warriors, any team can force a 6 or 7 game series. Take the 8th seeded Nets in 2015 going up against the top-seeded Hawks. The series had been tightly contested through 3 games, with the home team winning each game. Game 4 was an absolute thriller, with Deron Williams, who’s best days as a Net (and NBA player in general) were well behind him, going absolutely unconscious, scoring 36 and leading the Nets to a huge victory in overtime. While I knew this team was never going to win the title, it was amazing watching them play in a tightly contested series with a great time. While NHL Playoff series may be better overall (especially this year), an epic, back and forth NBA Playoff game is still a greater playoff atmosphere than in the NHL.

13. September 21, 2001: Mets 3, Braves 2


While I can’t say I’m old enough to remember this game, I am old enough to remember 9/11, as well as the end of Mike Piazza’s tenure as a Met. In addition, it’s a huge moment in Mets history that took place in my lifetime. In the first sporting event to take place in New York City since the attacks, Mike Piazza’s 2-run home run in the bottom of the 8th is a script you can’t write, leading the Mets, and all of New Yorkers to an emotional 3-2 victory over Atlanta.

12. September 22, 2016: Mets 9, Phillies 8 (F\11)

15 years and one day after the Piazza homer, the Mets found themselves winning another incredible game on a late home run. In the heat of the Wild Card race, the Mets had just been swept at home by the lowly Braves, with the previous night’s game ending on Ender Inciarte’s robbing of what would have been a walkoff home run for Yoenis Cespedes. In this game, the Mets found themselves down 6-4 in the bottom of the 9th, when Jose Reyes hit a huge home run to tie the game. The Mets bullpen would then (shockingly) give up 2 runs in the top of the 11th. The Mets got 2 men on in the bottom of the inning, when Asdrubal Cabrera would swing, and release of the the best bat flips of the season to lead the Mets to their biggest victory of the season, 9-8. The losing pitcher, Edubray Ramos, would throw at Cabrera in the Mets and Phillies first meeting this season, and has since been the losing pitcher twice to the Mets this season. Sucks to suck, pussy.

11. 2014 Eastern Conference Finals Game 6: Rangers 1, Canadiens 0


This Rangers playoff run was a remarkable one, and the game that sent that them to their first Stanley Cup Final in 20 years was nothing short of a thriller. After being pulled in Game 5, Henrik Lundqvist put on an absolute vintage Playoff Hank performance, shutting out the Montreal Canadiens. Dominic Moore, a career journeyman who had sat out the previous season while tending to his sick wife, who ended up passing away from cancer, scored the game winning goal late in the second period and it was all the Rangers would need. This Rangers playoff run was emotional and gut-wrenching for this team, and despite the end result, will always be remembered for its high points.

10. 2015 Week 1: Cowboys 27, Giants 26


Despite the horrible memories I have of this Cowboys season (which did lead to a pretty good draft pick, I guess), this win was an all time classic. The Cowboys had high expectations coming into this season, and the majority of this game was some of the worst football I have ever watched. The Giants weren’t playing very good, but the Cowboys were playing sloppier and a few bounces were not going their way. After the Giants completely mismanaged the clock and situation (a recurring theme for their season), Tony Romo went on one of his all-time game-winning touchdown drives, leading the Cowboys down the field and hitting Jason Witten for the winner with 7 seconds to go. This would turn out to be Tony Romo’s last win in a Cowboys home game, and while I am obviously not disappointed with the Cowboys new QB situation, its sad to know there won’t be any more of these for number 9.

9. 2015 Eastern Conference Semifinals: Rangers 2, Capitals 1 (OT)


While number 11 one is undoubtedly a bigger moment in Rangers history, this game may be the most thrilling one they have played in the last 10 seasons. In addition, this team was better the previous years team, and as defending Eastern Conference Champions, there was business left unfinished. After looking dead in the water late in Game 5, the Rangers scored late and then won in overtime, and after winning game 6 in DC, we were here for Game 7. This was also a big game for Alex Ovechkin, who had never (and still has never) reached the Conference Finals. After a thrilling regulation ended in a 1-1 tie, Derek Stepan buried a rebound past Braden Holtby to win an absolute classic. While I did not attend any of the games on this list, this is the only one in which I have footage of my celebration.

8. 2012 Week 1: Cowboys 24, Giants 17


Why are Giants-Cowboys games so recurring on this list? Because they play more thrillers (and more primetime games) than any other matchup in the league. The Giants were coming into this game as defending champs, and this matchup was much anticipated for their Cowboys and their fans, as the Giants had beaten them in the previous season’s Week 17 do-or-die NFC East Championship Game, which jumpstarted another improbable Giants Super Bowl run. The Cowboys would make the Giants the first defending champ to lose in Week 1 since the NFL began its Opening Kickoff Game hosted by the defending champion. While this Cowboys season ended at a boring 8-8, this was a victory I will always remember because of the hype coming in.

7. 2014 Week 6: Cowboys 30, Seahawks 23


I will always remember this game as the game the NFL took notice that the 2014 Cowboys were for real. The Seahawks, defending champions, were 17-1 at home in the Russell Wilson era, and that one loss came in a late season game to the Cardinals that no one remembers. So this essentially felt like the first loss the Seahawks had suffered at home since they switched to their current uniform scheme. Excellent performances from Romo, Demarco Murray, Terrance Williams, and Rolando McClain (who would rather sip on purple drank these days than play football) led the Cowboys to a huge upset in Seattle.

6. 2015 NLDS Game 5: Mets 3, Dodgers 2


After 9 years of heartbreak, and just some plain old un-fun baseball, the Mets won their first postseason season since 2006 by winning the decisive game in LA. Jacob deGrom was very shaky early on, but despite constantly working with runners on, it is considered one of his best performances of his career due to his limiting of the damage despite not having his best stuff at all. He Who Must Not Be Named (hint: he now plays for a division rival) continued his postseason performance for the ages on the base paths by scoring the tying run, before delivering the home run that would be enough to get the win in the top of the 6th off of Zack Greinke.

5. 2014 Eastern Conference Finals Game 7: Nets 104, Raptors 103


The 2013-14 Nets are only remembered today because the trade that made them the team they were has backfired tremendously. As a Nets fan, it’s a shame it has to be that way, because this team was one of my favorite to watch in recent sports memory. By the end of the year, this team was definitely the East’s second best team behind only Lebron’s Miami Heat. However, it took an absolutely thrilling Game 7 in Toronto just to make it out of the first round. Leading by 10 late in the 4th after great performances from Joe Johnson, Kevin Garnett, and Marcus Thorton, the Nets choked and after a failed inbounds play, the Raptors had a chance to win the series at the buzzer. That is, until The Truth stepped in for one of the best series ending plays in recent NBA memory. While quite possibly the most lopsided trade in sports history only lead to one playoff series victory, it is one I won’t forget.

4. 2014 NFC Wild Card Playoffs: Cowboys 24, Lions 20


My emotions throughout this game were at the lowest of lows, but eventually the highest of highs. The Cowboys, who had had a remarkable regular season, but had to play in the Wild Card round due to a 3-way tiebreak with Seattle and Green Bay, were going up a against a good Lions team, but one that should not have been a problem to beat. This game could not have gone more wrong in the first half and early part of the second though, as the Cowboys trailed 20-7. However, a combination of a Cowboys comeback, a few questionable calls, and a Lions choke lead to a Terrance Williams TD to take the lead for good with 2:32 remaining. The Boys would seal the deal on rookie Demarcus Lawrence’s strip sack and fumble recovery of Matt Stafford.

3. July 31, 2015: Mets 3, Nationals 2 (F/12)


This week was by far the craziest week in Mets’ history. Two days earlier, Wilmer Flores cried because he thought he’d been traded. The day before, the Mets had their most painful regular season loss in years to the Padres. On July 31 one of the greatest seasons in Mets history was changed forever. They acquired Yoenis Cespedes from the Tigers, and then crybaby Wilmer Flores delivered a walkoff home run against the division rival Nationals. The Mets swept the series to tie Washington on top of the division, and didn’t lose that lead the rest of the way. This moment was by far the emotional turning point of the 2015 Mets season, and is one of the most incredible series of events you will ever see for a non-everyday utility player. You know it was special when people still talk about a regular season game 2 years later.

2. 2016 Week 10: Cowboys 35, Steelers 30 

All that needs to be said about this one is, WOW. This game was a big coming out party for the rookie tandem of Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliott, and espeically for Zeke. In a shootout in one of the NFL’s best AFC-NFC rivalries, the Steelers took the lead with 40 seconds to go, and it looked as though the Cowboys were going to fall in a classic for the first time since Week 1. However, the classic was just getting started. After a few passes, and a huge facemask penalty, Ezekiel Elliott took the ball, and almost everyone in the stadium expected he’d get a few yards to set up a field goal for the win. Everyone except Zeke, that is, as the rookie scored his 3rd touchdown of the day with 9 seconds to go to seal an unbelievable NFL contest, and lead the Cowboys to their 8th straight win. Number 1 on this list is a greater moment, but this is the greatest game I’ve watched any of my teams ever play.

1. 2015 NLCS Game 4: Mets 8, Cubs 3

Taking away the way this season ended, the 2015 New York Mets were undoubtedly one of the best teams to watch from late regular season and then in the postseason not just in recent MLB history, but in recent sports history. The Mets never looked back after Wilmer Flores’s walkoff home run, winning the NL East and defeating the Dodgers in 5 games to advance to play the Cubs in the NLCS. Many were predicting a 7 game series between these evenly matched teams. However, the Mets dominated from start to finish, winning in a sweep. He Who Still Must Not Be Named was by far the series MVP, putting on a performance no one could have ever predicted. While winning the title in the end is really what matters, advancing to the championship round feels like a great accomplishent as well, especially in a sport where the team and fans are as closely bonded as baseball. Maybe if the Mets can fix their bullpen, this memory will be one I won’t have to care about anymore after 2017.


I may soon come up with a 15 Worst Moments list, but that may not be for awhile, because there will be way too many options to choose from, and I don’t think I have enough tissues in my house for the amount of tears I would shed while writing.

The University of Maryland Announces First-Annual Valedicktorian

The University of Maryland is proud to announce their first-annual Valedicktorian, with the esteemed recipient being ‘future CEO’ Gio Managadze.

The University outlined the qualifications as follows:

  • Must not have any respect for the vast amounts of money that your parents have spent the better part of their adult lives saving for you
  • Must have an ego unproportionally large in comparison to your micro-penis
  • Must think of yourself as the most logical, fearless individual on the planet, while simultaneously looked upon as an irrational, conceited, unappreciative, and attention-seeking prick by the vast majority of the internet
  • Must write in the most overtly douchey style possible
  • Must give the university at least $150k, yet may not attend over 25% of courses or earn a degree

The University supports Gio in his quest to shut up the haters and conquer Silicon Valley! We are confident that his Valedicky personality will translate beautifully to the professional world!

While giving his online commencement speech to the world through an open LinkedIn letter, Valedicktorian Gio displayed his vast wisdom at the ripe young age of 20-something, providing the internet with some truly remarkable quotes.


What is fear?

Fear doesn’t make any sense to me.

Fear is not an emotion. 

You can’t feel fear. 

Fear is all in your head.

If it’s in your head that means you can completely block it out.”

It may be easy to not be scared of anything when you live the life of Gio, but to put this message out to the world, and basically shame all those who posses fear, is ludicrous.  If I could talk to Gio, I would ask him to convince a young child in Syria, who fears for their life every single day, that “Fear is all in your head.”  Actually, fuck that.

I want Gio to look THIS KID RIGHT HERE in the eyes, and convince him that any and all of his fears are in his head.  If he could do that, well then damnit I’ll drop out and invest the rest of my college tuition into whatever his absurd mind oh so desires.

When this kid started saying that he “give[s] [the University of Maryland] zero credit for [his] education,” and claims that the only people who have contributed to his success are the likes of Ellen, Eminem, and Busta Rhymes, he completely lost me.  UMD is full of amazing professors, many of whom could have changed his life, but he would have never known because he “almost never went to any class ever after freshman year.”  

Then again I do not know if any UMD professor could compare in inspiration to Eminem when he said, “I’m sorry Puff but I don’t give a fuck if this chick was my own mother / I’d still fuck her with no rubber and cum inside her and have a son and a new brother at the same time / And just say that it ain’t mine, what’s my name.”

This felt like a long article, but turns out its only about 17% as long as Gio’s, I suppose making me only 17% of a d-bag.

P.S. Considering UMD does not have a Valedictorian, you and I are just as much the valedictorian as Gio supposedly was

20 Best Games I’ve Watched in My 20 Years of Life

Turning 20 is honestly a really insignificant birthday. Sure, I’m not a teenager anymore, but that’s basically it. I still can’t legally buy alcohol, go to a bar, or gamble in a casino. However, one thing I do realize on my 20th birthday is how many awesome sporting events I’ve watched in my life. Here are the top 20 sporting events I’ve seen, in person or on television, in my lifetime. This list is obviously pretty biased towards my favorite teams (Yankees, Giants, Rutgers), and I didn’t include any games from before 2004 because I can’t remember too much before that.

20. Giants beat Cowboys 10-7 on Sunday Night Football, 12/11/16

The Cowboys came into this game 11-1, with the 1 loss already coming from the Giants in Week 1. However, the media insisted all week that this was a “different Cowboys team,” and that rookie QB Dak Prescott had matured a lot since Week 1. While that may have been true, Eli Manning and the Giants did what they do best and embraced the underdog role to beat Dallas.

19. 2016 World Series Game 7

I’m not a Cubs fan, but ever since I’ve visited Wrigley Field a few years ago they’ve been my favorite National League team to watch. This extra-inning thriller embodied everything playoff baseball should be, and ended with the Cubs bringing home their first championship in 108 years.

18. 2015 Women’s World Cup Final

I literally only care about soccer during the World Cup, so seeing our women’s team win it in 2015 was awesome. Especially with Rutgers alum Carli Lloyd leading the charge with a hat trick in just 16 minutes.

17. Rutgers Football beats Michigan in 2014

Not quite the 77-0 loss I had to witness this year. RU beating Michigan at home for its first Big Ten win was awesome to watch. Still waiting for a game where I can storm the field while I’m there.

16. 2017 NCAA Basketball Final

Being a Rutgers basketball fan means not having anyone to root for in March Madness. UNC has been my tournament team since I was little. Seeing them win this year was awesome, especially after the heartbreaker they lost in 2016.

15. Jeter “Dive” Game vs. Red Sox, 2004

I was young, but I remember watching this game. At the height of the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry, the captain puts his body on the line to make an unbelievable catch, and John Flaherty wins it in the 13th.

14. Jeremy Lin drops 25 to beat Nets (2012)

The start of Linsanity, the last time it wasn’t miserable being a Knicks fan. Those were the days.

13. Luis Castillo game

No explanation needed. Not being a Mets fan is the birthday gift that keeps on giving.

12. Rutgers Basketball beats Wisconsin at home (2015)

I was there for this one. Pretty cool to see Rutgers beat the team that should’ve won the national championship that year, even if Frank Kaminsky didn’t play.

11. Giants win Conference Championship over 49ers (2012)

Giants OT win to go back to the Super Bowl? Unreal game. Also, fuck Colin Kaepernick.

10. Jeter’s last game at Yankee Stadium

Still gives me goosebumps every time

9. 2013 NBA Finals Game 6

I feel weird putting this above some of the Yankee wins because I wasn’t a Heat fan at all, but this was an unbelievable game. I’ve been a LeBron fan for awhile too, so that’s another reason this cracked my top 10. Ray Allen with one of the most clutch shots of all-time too.

8. 2009 ALDS Game 2

I know this was only the ALDS, but it would’ve been really demoralizing to go into Minnesota with the series tied. A-Rod, in his lone postseason where he wasn’t totally useless, tied it in the 9th before Teix finished it in extras. Great game.

7. Giants win 2007 NFC championship

Lawrence Tynes! Bring on the Patriots, baby!

6. George Steinbrenner game (2010)

I was at this game, so it’s higher on my list than most people would have it. Pre-game ceremony honoring the recently deceased Boss, as well as Bob Sheppard, before Swisher hits a walk-off. The stadium was going crazy.

5. Rutgers Beats Louisville

The original Rutgers Football upset. Can’t relate tbh.

4. 2016 NBA Finals Game 7

People forget the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals. LeBron finally brings a championship to Cleveland in one of the best basketball games ever.

3. Super Bowl XLVI

Did you know no one has beaten Tom Brady in the Super Bowl besides the Giants?

2. 2009 World Series Game 6

The Yankees are my favorite team in any sport, and seeing them win a championship was a ton of fun. Greatest franchise in the history of professional sports. Can’t wait to add more trophies with this new crop of guys.

1. Super Bowl XLII

Did I mention the Giants were the only team to beat Brady in the Super Bowl… and they did it twice? Tyree catch, Plax in the end zone, perfect season ruined. Greatest Super Bowl and sporting event of all time, don’t @me.

It may only have been 20 years, but I feel like I’ve seen a lifetime’s worth of great games.

The Mets Need Bullpen Help, Badly… And Their Most Recent Signing is Not Going To Help

(Note: Header picture is from 2012, but I would not be shocked if this years ranks look the same)

Anyone who has been watching this Mets team so far this season knows that something is off. It feels as though everything possible that could go wrong has gone wrong. The team has already lost its best hitter, best starter, and closer to injury, with the pitchers going to be on the DL until July or August. At 18-24, I am not panicking, mostly because I know we will get healthier (knock on wood, because this is the softest team in the league), and our biggest weakness coming into the year, offense, has done well. The obvious weakness is the bullpen. Since losing Yoenis Cespedes on April 28, the Mets have gone 10-11. Overall, the Mets have played great without him, winning 2 of 3 in 5 of the 7 series. So why the under .500 record? Because of 2 DEMORALIZING sweeps in Milwaukee and Arizona. Now, both of these two teams have had much better starts to the season than expected, however, this is a trip that the Mets should go at least 3-3. The Mets had a legit shot to win 4 out of the 6 games, and all 4 of those were lost on the bullpen. The most notable name in these bullpen implosions is Hansel Robles. The TV cameras panning to the bullpen and showing Robles warming up is like the CBS constantly showing replays of Kevin Ware’s leg injury while we were all trying to enjoy Easter Sunday with our families in 2013. TURN IT OFF, MAKE IT STOP! Now, flash back to last Wednesday, a few hours before the Mets would get swept by the Diamondbacks (on another blown lead by the bullpen). I was waiting in line at a party and got this notification on my phone.


Oh perfect, the Mets are in dire need of bullpen help, let’s bring in a guy with a fucking 8.71 ERA, who has already been designated for assignment by two teams this year, with both of them having bad starts to the season. Well, flash forward to this past Saturday. The Mets were coming off a 3-0 against the Angels to snap their 7 game losing streak, and had a 7-2 lead going into the ninth. I was in attendance for the game, and like everyone else in the stadium, was feeling great with the lead especially since the Mets put up 3 in the bottom of the 8th to add extra insurance. Well, enter Neil Ramirez. I heard his name and I’m thinking, “Never heard of this guy, must be a recent call up from AAA”. I look up at the scoreboard at his stats, and what do I see, that fat 8.71 ERA, and it hit me. “Oh no, not this guy”. Immediately, I was the only fan in the stadium who did not feel comfortable with this lead. Sure enough, Ramirez lets the first 3 guys on, and Terry Collins takes him out. I am on the side that says Terry gets a lot more criticism than he deserves because of the injuries and ups and downs he has dealt with the last 2 seasons, but his management of this bullpen has been almost as bad as the bullpen itself. Addison Reed would come in, and even though the runs were not charged to him, he allowed all 3 to score, but ended up striking out Danny Espinosa with the bases loaded to finally seal a 7-5 win.

Neil Ramirez would bounce back and throw a scoreless inning yesterday against the Angels, but this move still has me scratching my head. But the question remains, how are the Mets going to fix this bullpen? If the starting pitching can get back to full strength, and the offense can keep it up at a good pace, this Mets team is undoubtedly a dangerous team that could get hot in the second half like we have seen the past two seasons. However, because of this bullpen, it could go in either direction. We saw a team like the Giants last year, who had the best record in baseball at the All-Star break, fall apart in the second half because of their bullpen that blew 32 saves. Thirty-two! They barely hung on to earn the second Wild Card spot, and after beating the Mets (on a bullpen loss), they had a chance to force a Game 5 in Chicago and potentially change history as we now know it, only to blow another save and allow the Cubs to move on. I’ve been saying in the early part of this season, it would be a shame if this era of Mets baseball is ultimately hindered by the fact that their starters could not stay healthy. While that point still stands, we are now looking a team who could be a great one, but that could never finish the job because they did not have the bullpen to support.

Let’s be honest though, the Mets may just be cursed this year because of one offseason move (or lack thereof).


I don’t care what his stats show this year, or what we have to give up. Bring home Big Sexy.

HOT TAKE: LaVar Ball is the BEST Thing to Happen to Basketball in the Last 100 Years

Unless you’re Patrick Star, you have heard the words of Nike exec George Raveling claiming that LaVar Ball is “the worst thing to happen to basketball in the past 100 years.”

Based on all of my basketball experience, making it all the way to becoming a backup Junior Varsity shooting guard, I can confidently tell you that my man Georgie is not only incorrect, but in fact, he could not be more wrong.

Before I begin telling you why LaVar is the GOAT (yes, it did pain me to write that), lets get some things out of the way.

  1. LaVar has absolutely no clue wtf he is talking about
  2. His sexist comments on ‘The Herd’ are unacceptable
  3. He may have taught his kids to play “Chino Hills” cherry-picking offense, but we are yet to see this transfer to the NBA, let alone March Madness success
  4. It is absurd that I could literally board United flight 758 from Newark to LA just to beat the shit out of LaVar for $53 less than a pair of “Big Baller Brand” shoes

Now, we get to the fun part.

The NBA has had a viewership problem in recent years, with viewership declining 6% from the 2015-2016 season, and the amount of viewers being nowhere close to the NFL’s.  They need a reason for people to be excited to watch the NBA, and the product of LaVar’s sperm, paired with his painfully pompous personality, has provided us with just that.

The NBA regular season and playoffs is nothing more than a really long wait to see the Cavs and Warriors battle in the Finals.  I do not care if you love the Celtics more than Bill Russell, you’re playing yourself if you think they stand a chance against LeGoat and cast.  The NBA regular season/ playoffs needs some excitement, and the hype that LaVar has created can give us just that.

Let us assume that Lonzo goes #2 to the Lakers.  He would be rejuvenating the second most winning-est franchise of all-time not only with his undeniable ability, but also with much needed attention.  The last time the Lakers were relevent in a basketball sense was April 13, 2016, when Kobe dropped 60 for a 17-65 Lakers squad.  Since the Lakers last winning season in 2012-2013…

  • The Cubs won a World Series
  • Sochi, Russia hosted the Olympics
  • Leonardo fucking DiCaprio won an Oscar
  • A dead gorilla took over pop culture
  • Same-sex marriage was legalized

In no way is this poking at Harambe (may he Rest in Peace), but it goes to show that one of the NBA’s most popular franchises has been out of the loop for far too long.

If Lonzo goes to the Lakers, the next day, Lakers’ merchandise sales skyrocket.  Not only do Lonzo jerseys/ shirts sell left and right, but so does all LA Laker gear just because of the thousands of Big Baller Bandwagoners.  Regardless of who the Lakers play on opening day, thousands and thousands more people will tune in just to see LaVar’s son play.  Even if these viewers want him to fail, they are bringing in some much-needed revenue to the NBA.

This can hold true for whatever franchise Lonzo finds himself playing for, and while Lonzo’s skill will propel his team, his father is what will propel fans.  His blasphemous personality, obscene statements, and lack of common sense make people want to know his every move.  There is a reason he has dominated the news cycle – if no one gave a shit, they would not report on him, yet they do.

In conclusion, I hope another person like LaVar is never, ever, ever born.  With that being said, since the only other person being hated on more by the media is Putin’s Puppet, he must be doing something right.

Some Situations Comparable to This Year’s NBA Conference Finals

You might be surprised to hear this, but both NBA Conference Finals series have been pretty brutal to watch this year. The Spurs look lost without Kawhi Leonard while taking on possibly the greatest on-paper NBA team ever, the Warriors, in the West. Likewise, the Isaiah Thomas-less Celts are even more screwed against LeBron and the Cavs than they were before their All-Star point guard went down. While Warriors-Cavs round 3 promises to be a great NBA Finals, these series are absolutely pathetic excuses for playoff basketball, or basketball at all. Adam Silver and company probably cringe just watching Kelly Olynyk pretend to know what he’s doing out there- I know the rest of America is.

There is a 0% chance I watch any more of the remaining games in either series. The thought of tuning in makes me feel uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, that here are some situations I would compare to watching any more of either series:

-A sex scene coming on while watching a movie with your parents

-Walking into a department store and asking where the selection of male rompers are located

-Seeing someone on campus you met at a party, but not being sure if they remember you well enough to say hi since you were both trashed

-Walking into an exam you didn’t remember you had until the night before

You get my point. Watching these games is not just boring, but actually cringe-worthy. I’m not gonna waste my time watching 30-point losses, or even the highlights for that matter. If I see one more clip of Greg Popovich being rude to a reporter for no reason and everyone laughing out loud like it’s a joke straight out of Step Brothers, I’m gonna lose it. Get over it, Pop, you didn’t have any chance with Kawhi, but it’s embarassing how bad you are without him. As for the Celtics, at least you have the #1 pick. I’d hold onto that if I were them, maybe by the time Markelle Fultz develops, LeBron will have come back down to Earth. But for now, he’s playing like one of the Monstars, and the Celtics are playing like KD after he lost his abilities in Thunderstruck. (Did Kevin Durant really think doing a knockoff Space Jam was a good idea? Did he think he wasn’t gonna get mocked for it? As if the movie wasn’t based in Oklahoma fucking City? One of the many reasons I hate that guy.)

People have been predicting a Warriors/Cavs finals since Game 7 ended last year, so it’s no surprise that that’s what we’re gonna get (Except for the people who insisted the Cavs weren’t making it out of the East this year. Those are the worst kind of people.) But I wish the build-up was a little better. There’s no other sport where the difference between the top 2 teams and the rest of the league is this wide. It’s a crime that the NBA expects us to watch these games (The Finals start June 1, in case you were wondering.)

Don’t try and explain it to us, NBA. Just get better.

P.S. Can we all just agree that Steph Curry’s mom is a straight GILF and get on with our lives? If my wife still looks like this when we have grandkids, I’ll consider myself a lucky guy.

steph curry mom