HOT TAKE: LaVar Ball is the BEST Thing to Happen to Basketball in the Last 100 Years

Unless you’re Patrick Star, you have heard the words of Nike exec George Raveling claiming that LaVar Ball is “the worst thing to happen to basketball in the past 100 years.”

Based on all of my basketball experience, making it all the way to becoming a backup Junior Varsity shooting guard, I can confidently tell you that my man Georgie is not only incorrect, but in fact, he could not be more wrong.

Before I begin telling you why LaVar is the GOAT (yes, it did pain me to write that), lets get some things out of the way.

  1. LaVar has absolutely no clue wtf he is talking about
  2. His sexist comments on ‘The Herd’ are unacceptable
  3. He may have taught his kids to play “Chino Hills” cherry-picking offense, but we are yet to see this transfer to the NBA, let alone March Madness success
  4. It is absurd that I could literally board United flight 758 from Newark to LA just to beat the shit out of LaVar for $53 less than a pair of “Big Baller Brand” shoes

Now, we get to the fun part.

The NBA has had a viewership problem in recent years, with viewership declining 6% from the 2015-2016 season, and the amount of viewers being nowhere close to the NFL’s.  They need a reason for people to be excited to watch the NBA, and the product of LaVar’s sperm, paired with his painfully pompous personality, has provided us with just that.

The NBA regular season and playoffs is nothing more than a really long wait to see the Cavs and Warriors battle in the Finals.  I do not care if you love the Celtics more than Bill Russell, you’re playing yourself if you think they stand a chance against LeGoat and cast.  The NBA regular season/ playoffs needs some excitement, and the hype that LaVar has created can give us just that.

Let us assume that Lonzo goes #2 to the Lakers.  He would be rejuvenating the second most winning-est franchise of all-time not only with his undeniable ability, but also with much needed attention.  The last time the Lakers were relevent in a basketball sense was April 13, 2016, when Kobe dropped 60 for a 17-65 Lakers squad.  Since the Lakers last winning season in 2012-2013…

  • The Cubs won a World Series
  • Sochi, Russia hosted the Olympics
  • Leonardo fucking DiCaprio won an Oscar
  • A dead gorilla took over pop culture
  • Same-sex marriage was legalized

In no way is this poking at Harambe (may he Rest in Peace), but it goes to show that one of the NBA’s most popular franchises has been out of the loop for far too long.

If Lonzo goes to the Lakers, the next day, Lakers’ merchandise sales skyrocket.  Not only do Lonzo jerseys/ shirts sell left and right, but so does all LA Laker gear just because of the thousands of Big Baller Bandwagoners.  Regardless of who the Lakers play on opening day, thousands and thousands more people will tune in just to see LaVar’s son play.  Even if these viewers want him to fail, they are bringing in some much-needed revenue to the NBA.

This can hold true for whatever franchise Lonzo finds himself playing for, and while Lonzo’s skill will propel his team, his father is what will propel fans.  His blasphemous personality, obscene statements, and lack of common sense make people want to know his every move.  There is a reason he has dominated the news cycle – if no one gave a shit, they would not report on him, yet they do.

In conclusion, I hope another person like LaVar is never, ever, ever born.  With that being said, since the only other person being hated on more by the media is Putin’s Puppet, he must be doing something right.

Some Situations Comparable to This Year’s NBA Conference Finals

You might be surprised to hear this, but both NBA Conference Finals series have been pretty brutal to watch this year. The Spurs look lost without Kawhi Leonard while taking on possibly the greatest on-paper NBA team ever, the Warriors, in the West. Likewise, the Isaiah Thomas-less Celts are even more screwed against LeBron and the Cavs than they were before their All-Star point guard went down. While Warriors-Cavs round 3 promises to be a great NBA Finals, these series are absolutely pathetic excuses for playoff basketball, or basketball at all. Adam Silver and company probably cringe just watching Kelly Olynyk pretend to know what he’s doing out there- I know the rest of America is.

There is a 0% chance I watch any more of the remaining games in either series. The thought of tuning in makes me feel uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, that here are some situations I would compare to watching any more of either series:

-A sex scene coming on while watching a movie with your parents

-Walking into a department store and asking where the selection of male rompers are located

-Seeing someone on campus you met at a party, but not being sure if they remember you well enough to say hi since you were both trashed

-Walking into an exam you didn’t remember you had until the night before

You get my point. Watching these games is not just boring, but actually cringe-worthy. I’m not gonna waste my time watching 30-point losses, or even the highlights for that matter. If I see one more clip of Greg Popovich being rude to a reporter for no reason and everyone laughing out loud like it’s a joke straight out of Step Brothers, I’m gonna lose it. Get over it, Pop, you didn’t have any chance with Kawhi, but it’s embarassing how bad you are without him. As for the Celtics, at least you have the #1 pick. I’d hold onto that if I were them, maybe by the time Markelle Fultz develops, LeBron will have come back down to Earth. But for now, he’s playing like one of the Monstars, and the Celtics are playing like KD after he lost his abilities in Thunderstruck. (Did Kevin Durant really think doing a knockoff Space Jam was a good idea? Did he think he wasn’t gonna get mocked for it? As if the movie wasn’t based in Oklahoma fucking City? One of the many reasons I hate that guy.)

People have been predicting a Warriors/Cavs finals since Game 7 ended last year, so it’s no surprise that that’s what we’re gonna get (Except for the people who insisted the Cavs weren’t making it out of the East this year. Those are the worst kind of people.) But I wish the build-up was a little better. There’s no other sport where the difference between the top 2 teams and the rest of the league is this wide. It’s a crime that the NBA expects us to watch these games (The Finals start June 1, in case you were wondering.)

Don’t try and explain it to us, NBA. Just get better.

P.S. Can we all just agree that Steph Curry’s mom is a straight GILF and get on with our lives? If my wife still looks like this when we have grandkids, I’ll consider myself a lucky guy.

steph curry mom

 

I Don’t Know What Katy Perry Is On, But I Need To Find Out

Katy Perry is the Willy Wonka of the music world, don’t @ me.

-She’s alarmingly successful with countless number one hits (Wonka was a legend of the chocolate game)

-She always has a song that is annoyingly catchy (the Oompa Loompa Song went double-platinum with no features)

-She has weird back-up dancers that seem to do all the work (the Oompa Loompas go hard in the paint)

-And she is definitely on some shit (Willy Wonka was high the entire movie and don’t try to tell me different)

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These Oompa Loompas look like they’re about to drop the hardest beat of 2017

She’s infamous for doing the extreme and for some reason people absolutely eat it up. Here are some recent examples:

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At the 2015 Super Bowl when she rode in on the sand lion from Aladdin
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Her tribute to the “Sharknado” franchise, also at the Super Bowl
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Honestly don’t even know what is going on here
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Sure, why not

And then last night her performances on Saturday Night Live pretty much sealed the deal for me that she is on some type of drug that we all need to get on ASAP.

If you didn’t watch her performance, both are posted below:

Feel free to not watch either of those, but based on the cover photos alone you can figure out nobody in the audience had a single clue what was going on in front of their eyes.  I think Katy Perry caught onto that for a second because out of nowhere she would scream “Let’s GOO SNL” and people were far from ready to cheer for the musical, knock-off version of Comic-Con.

For fuck’s sake at the end of the second performance she started picking up fruit and throwing it around stage like an animal and even handed fake fruit out to Migos like it was the Last Supper. Either she knows the music sucked or she’s on hard-core hallucination shit, and all my hard-earned money is on the latter.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why 1) she brought the backpack kid on to an actual stage where millions of people were watching and 2) why Migos would ever accept the offer to do that terrible, horrible song.

Regardless, Katy Perry has been confirmed (by me) to be on life-changing drugs for a long time now and I think we should all take a page out her notebook and start trying it. She is absolutely wild. People who used their actual brain cells knew those performances were wacky as shit, but Katy Perry seemed to be loving every second of it.  She looked around at the crowd as if they were looking at her first-born child, but the crowd looked back as if she had just given birth to a fat ugly squid.

Katy Perry, I haven’t figured out exactly what you’re on, but keep doing you, the rest of the world will catch up eventually.

Joe Girardi is Phenomenal at Getting Tossed from Baseball Games

Aw yeah baby, the blog we’ve all been waiting for. This is the kind of topic most sports blogs don’t touch, too juicy. But not me, I’m coming at you 130 mph with the cold hard facts. This shit just solidified my spot for Pulitzer Prize consideration, I’m not even bragging. That’s right, tonight live and in action on the 1 and 2’s we’ve got America’s sweetheart, Joe Girardi. Before we jump into the details I’d like to start off by saying that I think Girardi is pretty ass at managing. For as stacked as the Yankees are, Girardi makes absolute common sense decisions look as challenging as robbing a casino in one night via card counting (shoutout Rainman shoutout Allen from the Hangover). This man puts Tommy Layne in so much you’d think the guy is the second coming for Christ/Mariano <-(these two names are synonyms btw). I will raise my children to hate Joe Girardi, and they’ll be better men for it, but I digress. There’s one thing that I absolutely love about this dipshit. My man absolutely muuuuuuuuuuurks getting thrown out of baseball games. I low key supported his 4 year contract extension strictly off of the fact that I get to watch this guy’s veins bulge out of his head when an ump tells him to sit his ass down another 10-15 times a season. To say Joe gets amped the fuck up is the understatement of the century. This man makes umpires reevaluate their lives when they toss him. The last one to do it quit his job and works in the perfume section at Macy’s now. Girardi never fails to amaze and tonight was no different. In the bottom of the 5th, following the sex panther that is pitching coach Larry Rothschild’s ejection, Joe came storming out barking at this umpire like he’s was the mailman delivering a jury duty notice. Thats when we sit back relax, and enjoy the program.

Oof, that’s what the boys back home call great content. As soon as Scott Barry gives the sassiest bitch ass toss I’ve ever had the misfortune of watching, Barkin Joe goes aaaaaape shit and I fuckin’ love it baby. Covering home plate with dirt is probably the biggest pet peeve you can throw onto the shoulders of an ump. Scotty B was definitley gripping his home plate brush so tight in his pocket when Girardi was making moves over there just saying in his head, “This motherfucker better not, HE BETTER NOT.” Oh Scotty boy, he did.

He should’ve known, you fuck with Larry Rothschild you get the bull and all makes and models of the horns. NO ONE fucks with Larry. Scott Barry’s no exception. Guy better sleep with his eyes peeled tonight, Girardi is coming for your home dish boss, he’s got mounds of sand and an aggressive attitude to go with it.

#FREELARRY2017

 

Lets be fucking honest, Aaron Rodgers is the best player in the NFL

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2015 Divisional Playoffs (Green Bay Packers @ Arizona Cardinals)

I really don’t care what anyone says, no quarterback in the league makes this play. Defensive coordinator James Bettcher is thinking, “Fuck this. Let’s just bring seven so he can’t afford the extra time he always buys in the pocket.” And it pretty much worked.

He couldn’t sit in the pocket and wait for his receivers to get down field. He couldn’t get off an ideal loft to the endzone. But he fucking did it anyway. Off his back foot, he launched a 50-yard bomb and took a smack by Markus Golden right after.

Now, I love Tom Brady more than the average Giants fan. He’s the greatest football player ever. BUT, I’m still taking Aaron Rodgers over him if I were a GM or coach. Here’s why:

  1. Rodgers is more accurate and has a better arm.
    • Image result for aaron rodgers eagles
      I’ll never understand how that football got there.
  2. His play-making ability.
    • Image result for aaron rodgers run
      Dolphins defense looks like he saw a ghost with that pump fake.
  3. How he can pretty much make any throw from anywhere on the field.
    • Image result for aaron rodgers run
      The guy just got cut in half and put the ball right on the numbers..across his body…40 yards away.
  4. Brady has the best coach in NFL history (not a knock on him, just the truth).
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      Felt like I had to continue the gif trend.

And Rodgers wins too.

I want to take this moment to give a nice, “Fuck you” to anyone that even attempted blaming Aaron Rodgers for the Packers 4-6 record. They were 4-2 and then it looked like I was cloned 11 times and placed at every position on their starting defense. They gave up an AVERAGE of 38 points per game in their losses to the Falcons, Colts (they lost that game at home, what the fuck??), Titans and Redskins.

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What was there to blame, his leadership? You mean the guy that’s made players like Randall Cobb, Davante Adams and Geronimo Allison into household names AND better players? Okay maybe not Geronimo yet (that name is really outstanding).

Rodgers and the offense, that featured a NON-EXISTENT running game, a shifting offensive-line, and constant injured receiving-targets (Randall Cobb, Jared Cook, Ty Montgomery), averaged 26 points per game. He not only led them to six straight wins and a division title, Rodgers also bullied the New York Giants vaunted defense and beat the NFC’s No. 1 seed on the road (Dallas Cowboys). It was Rodgers world, and we were all just living in it.

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Then in the NFC Championship, the defense went back to their old ways and gave up a fat 44-point burger on the Packers.

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Seriously, did the Packers secondary bet against themselves before this game? I’m not an expert on tackling fundamentals, but this actually makes me nauseous.

He’s an MVP candidate every season and has helped lead the most consistent team in the NFC over the past couple seasons.

Think about it, if Larry Fitzgerald didn’t crush their dreams in 2015, they would’ve made three consecutive NFC Championship games from 2014-2016.

Also, he’s just a cool guy too. Every time the media comes scrambling to him asking him why the Packers suck, he basically says, “Chill out, I’ll go win some games really quick, brb.”

It’s funny, because everyone knew some crazy shit was about to happen when they SPANKED the Seahawks on FOX: America’s Game of the Week during week 14. Seattle (8-3-1 at the time) was coming off a home blowout against the Panthers, and even though they lost Earl Thomas, many figured they would still give Rodgers some fits in the passing game. In the words of Donald Trump, “Wrong.”

Look at this play. Rolling to his right and hits Adams right in stride, with ease.

That’s what Rodgers can do for you. One game, one quarter, one play can spark a run for any team he’s around.

 

That shit must be annoying for Bears, Lions and Vikings fans to endure, but it’s pretty fun to analyze.

The Performance of Yankee First Basemen This Year Would Make Don Mattingly Roll Over In His Grave

First of all, I know Don Mattingly is technically still alive. But when you go from being the star first baseman for the New York Yankees to managing the Miami Marlins, you probably die a little inside. Anyway, to say the Yankees’ first basemen this year have not performed up to the standards of Don Mattingly is like saying Golden Grahams isn’t as good as Cinnamon Toast Crunch. They are so inferior that it actually makes you angry they pretend to be the same thing. I wouldn’t even call Chris Carter Golden Grahams, he’s more like Raisin Bran without any raisins.

Greg Bird came into the season as the starting first baseman after a huge spring training in which he hit .451 with 8 home runs, both team highs. However, he has started the season an abysmal 6-60, with three of the six hits coming in the same game against the Cardinals. He was placed on the DL on May 3rd after reportedly dealing with an ankle injury that he sustained late in spring training. Hopefully, the time off will help Bird return to his 2015 form, when he hit 11 home runs in just 46 games. This would complete the Yankees’ three-headed monster of young bats, along with Aaron Judge and Gary Sanchez.

As far as Bird’s replacement, Chris Carter, there isn’t much to say. This guy somehow led the NL in home runs last year, even though he did bat .222. I would take that for a backup first baseman, but Carter hasn’t even been hitting homers this year- he has only 2 in 28 games to go along with a .213 average. There have been some Yankees over the years whose presence in games just really pisses me off. Tanyon Sturtze coming in to pitch in 2005, A-Rod batting in any non-2009 playoff game, and now Chris Fucking Carter coming to bat. People are always talking about how to speed up MLB games, and I’ve got a great idea. Just charge the Yankees with an out every time Carter comes up to bat. I don’t need to waste any more time watching this guy try to bat. If I wanted to see someone attempt things they can’t possibly achieve, I’d watch a Mets game.

So please, get better Greg Bird. It’s what Donnie Baseball would have wanted.

Take A Lap: ESPN Edition

Sometimes in life, there are times when you did something so uncomprehendingly stupid, like wearing a bright red short sleeve flannel shirt with cargo shorts to the movies or trying to pimp a home run in gym softball and letting go of the bat and breaking a kid’s nose the day of Prom, that you just have to take a lap.

Some days it’s you, some days it’s your friend, some days it’s somebody who you may not even know, but somewhere somebody is doing something stupid and deserves to take a lap. Today, that moron was none other than ESPN and their dufus-filled scheduling team.

This morning, at 11 AM Eastern Standard Time, ESPN 2 aired the “2017 FIFA Ultimate Team Championship Series: Berlin” for a FULL FUCKING HOUR.  They put, on their actual channel, not like ESPN 8: The Ocho or some shit like that, on ESPN 2, their second biggest station, the Berlin FIFA Championship.

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First off, FIFA is a great video game to play.  When I play it, I’m like a pig in shit, and I’m actually quite terrible at the game.  I can’t imagine how much fun it would be if you’re good.  But I mean, you score 4 goals combined on a good day between the two teams usually, so there is not a lot of action.  What in the name of Chuck Knoblauch was ESPN thinking?

Nobody wants to even watch real soccer when the games matter.  They had difficulty getting Americans to watch their own team in the World Cup. If it wasn’t the championship or the semi-finals, only like 80 people tops cared. So why would the Berlin-based, video game version of that provoke anybody to sit down on their couch and actually watch that? We hate the Germans. They start every war and their accents suck.  I don’t care how good they are at FIFA, and I definitely don’t want to watch it on my TV when they could have thrown on a 30 For 30 or some random documentary about the knuckleball.

It just hurts my brain to think that the people at ESPN legitimately thought this was a good idea, considering the world of sports has an obscene amount of content and ESPN used to be prime television.  Nobody can literally be that stupid.  It was an hour of their time, just air another shitty Sportscenter, I don’t care.  Just not the fucking Berlin FIFA Championship.

And for that ESPN, take a lap.