Jose Bautista Maintains Douche Bag Status, World Continues to Rotate on it’s Axis

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Good morning friends, family, faculty and esteemed guests. I’d like to discuss with you all the douchebag above. Tonight, our good friend from up north shook Atlanta, and for all we know, the entire state of Georgia when he gave the most irrelevant/cocky bat flip home run celebration May baseball has ever seen. It cut Toronto’s deficit in the game from 8-3 to a whopping 8-4. I genuinely do not understand it. Joey Bats literally craves pissing off opposing teams via bat flip. Like literally sits up at night brainstorming ideas of how to run around the bases in the most douchey fashion so that all 13 of the Braves fans at SunTrust Park can have their blood boiling.

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Look at this guy with the long hair to the left. I can literally hear him screaming “Chipper Jones didn’t die for this!!” through my computer screen. The sad part is, I’d be cool with it if it was anyone else doing this homer celebration. Literally, anyone else. Throw DJ Tanner from Full House in the batters box and have her pimp the shit out of home runs- she instantly becomes the biggest savage in the league. Sign me up, I’d be going ham in the stands with Uncle Joey, Danny, Jesse and the gang. Hell, even bring Uncle Joey’s puppets, just fuel to the fire baby. You get my point. Bautista can not be the poster child of bat flips. He’s so not likable. Lets go down the check list: He plays in Canada, he’s batting .208 while getting paid $18 million, he 111% juiced for years and got away with it,…he plays in Canada. I don’t know why I feel so strongly against him, I just do. I’d bet a good amount of money that he still wears his old varsity jacket at age 35. He’s just that type of guy.

To sum up this PSA, and I think I speak on behalf of every man, woman, and child who cares about the well being of baseball, when I say we’re tired of it Bautista, give it a rest. Bat flips are one of the last things left in the MLB that outsiders of baseball can say “wow, this guy’s balls must go past his knees”. Don’t be a dick and ruin this for us Bautista. Cough it up champ, its over. After Rougned Odor turns your face into a Mythbusters slo-mo cam clip, you can’t be the bat flip guy anymore. You knew that going into this. I didn’t write the rules, I just abide by them.
You either die a hero or live long enough to get the sauce from the knuckles of a second baseman. End rant.

If Avril Lavigne is Dead, So Am I

Warning: this post will contain severa hidden and unfortuntaley bad Avril Lavigne puns. Viewer discretion is advised

First things first, get caught up on the issue at hand.

The Guardian:
Did you know Avril Lavigne was replaced by a lookalike named Melissa in 2003? At least, that’s what the internet would have you believe. The old conspiracy theory that Lavigne was “cloned” resurfaced on Twitter over the weekend, but it has been bandied about the internet since 2005 and is thought to have originated on a Brazilian fanpage.

The theory claims Lavigne, struggling with fame at the beginning of her career, began using a body double named Melissa. At some point, the real Lavigne is said to have died, so the record company replaced her with Melissa full-time. “Proof” has included Lavigne’s red carpet shots (Lavigne wears trousers; Melissa prefers dresses and skirts) and supposed differences between the facial features of pre-2003 Lavigne and the current incarnation. Theorists also believe Melissa has left clues in songs, such as Slipped Away, in which she sings: “The day you slipped away was the day I found it won’t be the same”. There was even a publicity shot in which Lavigne had “Melissa” written on her hand. Spooky.


What the hell.  In 2017, anything is possible, but I did not think the songbird of 2002 would have a lifetime stunt double. This is the type of shit that will make a great movie in ten years.

Please note before reading on: If Avril Lavigne made sure she had a replacement to live the rest of her life, you HAVE TO recognize that heart and give her some damn props. That is the definition of “The show must goes on”.

The question being ignored in this whole scenario is how the hell Avril Lavigne died???? If alive, she is 32 now and if not, and this has been going on for a while she was dead at like 28! If you die before 30 the only options are shot, drugs, or sickness.  I’m sure if Avril Lavigne was shot then people would have known. She was a damn icon after “Skater Boy”.  That’s like shooting John Lennon. That makes the news 9/10. If she had a terminal illness then I’m guaranteeing you people would have known about that because too many idolized her to just let her go quietly without a fight.  This leaves the only option being drugs, which is a possibility since she went to rehab various times. That will be the only theory I accept for the time being.

If that theory is correct, we must now think of life without Avril Lavigne, which is certainly a tough concept to grasp.  It’s complicated, considering she was a legend when we were growing up, whether or not you want to admit it.

All I know is I’m not ready for her to be gone, and if this damn Melissa tries to duplicate what Avril did, she’s gonna get a dropkick to the nose. Her music won’t be looked at the same, and how will we ever know what was Avril and what wasn’t? I am willing to accept the idea that her three good songs were Avril, and every other one that sucked or was forgetful was simply Melissa trying to catch the wave and get ready for this time.

Whatever the truth is, I’m just praying Avril is fine and ready to make another guilty-pleasure hit in the coming months. If she does, she’s an early candidate for Comeback Performer of the Year.



LeGarrette Blount is on the Eagles and it only took like three months

Okay, so there was interest from the Giants, Lions and the Cardinals, but the Eagles ended up landing the league’s 2016 rushing touchdown leader. But who’s the real winner? That’s right, the fucking Patriots again.

They threw a seldom-used tender on Blount that worked in favor of their compensation formula. That’s right, they could potentially end up with a compensatory draft pick because of this acquisition, according to I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt after the Super Bowl. The unexpected is expected with them.

Anyway, let’s stop sucking off the Pats and focus on Mr. Blount.

Now lets rewind a little bit…

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Couldn’t agree more Walter Jr.

I understand that Peterson received a two-year deal, but he could earn up to $12.5 million with incentives. And Blount only gets to earn up to $2.8 million? Also, Peterson collected a $2.5 million signing bonus, according to Bleacher Report. That’s almost Blount’s entire potential contract.

Just doesn’t make sense to me. Blount even ran for over 1,000 yards, so clearly he’s more than a goal-line back. Also, 18 fucking touchdowns. Put a little respect on the guy’s name.

Look at this animal. You’d think he would put his head down and get the first down, but instead he side-steps the entire defense and then puts safety Maurice Alexander on skates.

Now, back to Philly. I think it’s a pretty good signing. Why not? For a maximum of $2.8 million? This guy behind that Eagles offensive line could really be dangerous. I’m not going to lie, it hurts to say this, but the Eagles have really had a great off-season. They’re a serious threat in the NFC East. I could totally see why Blount chose them.

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Live look-in on Ryan Mathews.

The acquisitions of Blount and Alshon Jeffery could easily make Darren Sproles and Jordan Mathews more productive in their offense.

Just not ready to put Torrey Smith in that category yet…


Male Rompers are One of the Worst Ideas I’ve Ever Heard, and I’ve Heard a Lot of Bad Ideas

I was scrolling through Twitter during the Celtics/Wizards game last night, and it was pretty uneventful. Aside from a few funny Avril Lavigne conspiracy tweets, nothing of note. Until I saw this.

These look like a cross between a “my Dad is a lawyer, I’ll park my Porsche where I want” frat douchebag outfit and a “it’s more than paying for friends, it’s a bond of sisters for life” sorority girl outfit. Quite possibly the single worst piece of clothing I have ever laid eyes on. There’s a limit to how fratdouche you can dress, and this is way past the line.

The key aspect they’re overlooking is how tough it is gonna be to pee when you’re wearing one of these. One of the best things about being a guy at a dage is being able to piss behind the nearest tree or bush. 30 seconds, done. Not if you’re wearing one of these. Gotta find a bathroom and wait in line with every single girl at the party, and I’ll be damned if I wait for anything at a dage besides a beer.

Whoever thought this was a good idea needs to take a minute, go back to the drawing board, and bash themselves over the head with it. There hasn’t been an idea this bad since Prohibition.

The Biggest Loser: Eddie Lacy & the Seattle Seahawks

Okay, imagine this. Your direct superior at your workplace informs you that there is a THOUSAND DOLLAR cash prize for losing a certain amount of weight before an established date.

Michael Scott, fictional character legend from “The Office”.

And no, it isn’t this man.

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For those of you that don’t know, that’s Seahawks coach Pete Carroll and GM John Schneider.

It’s these guys.

Eddie Lacy was a fun player to watch in his first two NFL seasons (2013 & 2014). He racked up a combined 3,001 total yards and 24 TD’s in those respective seasons, according to But something happened in 2015. Maybe he had one too many midnight snacks. Maybe it was the many outcries for his love of “China Food”.

The third one is my personal favorite (and yes I know the tweets are from 2012, but there seems to be some relevance regarding this topic).

He recorded just over 1,000 rushing yards and 5 TD’s throughout his 2015 & 2016 campaigns. To add insult to injury (since he was placed on IR after Week 6 in 2016), Green Bay had wide receiver Ty Montgomery fill in as their starting running back…and he did pretty well.

So the Seahawks decided to take a chance on Lacy and signed him to a one-year deal, including incentives that could earn him up to $385,000, according to ESPN. As we all know, the incentives are tied to his new weight loss program.

Now to be honest, $55,000 is pocket change to any NFL team. Heck, if I was Lacy, I’d be running on a treadmill right now if someone offered me that.

The concept of this incentive is still boggling my mind. I’m sure Vince Lombardi is rolling in his grave somewhere. Seriously, do you want a guy like this on your team? Is he really worth having if he can’t be trusted with his own weight without a prize? I don’t even blame Lacy, I would take that deal too. GM John Schneider is a well-respected guy in the NFL, but I don’t see the point with this signing. I get that Thomas Rawls and C.J. Prosise are injury prone, but how many heads are going to be in that backfield now?

We’ll soon find out if Lacy sticks to his diet or not. If your were wondering what the rest of his schedule looks like, Field Yates provided a detailed report;

This guy only has to lose five pounds by June and August?? And he’s at 253 pounds right now! Three pounds = $55,000. God I love the NFL.

Why There Can’t Be Another Jeter

I’ve got no problem admitting I can be a little brainwashed when it comes to the Yankees, especially Derek Jeter. But there are just certain aspects of his career that can not be replicated. He may never have been then most talented player the Yankees had when I was growing up (that was probably A-Rod for most years) and despite his dependability, probably wasn’t even the most consistent (Mariano Rivera was), but no athlete will ever be able to crush life the way Jeter did.

For 19 seasons, he was the starting shortstop for the most famous franchise in sports. His Hall-of-Fame career aligned perfectly with the rise of the internet and social media, allowing fans to be more connected to their favorite athletes than ever before. How one man can play that long in as prominent a role as he had in New York City and never have one blemish on his public image is astounding. Look at the other star athletes to play in New York recently. Odell Beckham jr. partying on a yacht in Miami days before the Giants traveled to Green Bay for a playoff game, Carmelo Anthony going through a nasty split with his wife LaLa, and basically anything A-Rod did between the years 2004 and 2009. While a lot of these things should be considered insignificant to the team’s performances (who gives a shit if 20-something pro athletes want to have a good time in Miami on an off-day), they ultimately matter. They bring unwanted attention to your franchise, they increase the pressure to win. If the Giants win that game, or Odell had 10 catches for 150 yards in a loss, the yacht story is all but dead. Instead, he catches 4 balls for 28 yards with 3 drops as the Giants get crushed. Did this have anything to do with him partying on a yacht 5 days earlier? Anyone with half a brain would probably say no, but the public perception of Odell is now that he’s a partier who isn’t serious about winning.

The perfect, most recent example of why we’ll never see another Jeter is Matt Harvey. Here’s a guy who was absolutely electric when he came up with the Mets a few years ago, and looked to be the next big baseball star in New York. He even said in 2013 of Jeter, “That guy is the model. I mean, first off, let’s just look at the women he’s dated. Obviously, he goes out – he’s meeting these girls somewhere – but you never hear about it. That’s where I want to be.” Clearly, that is not where he is, after the Mets suspended him 3 games for failing to show up to a game after a night of partying at 1OAK. What’s worse, he was reportedly there because he was upset that his ex, Adriana Lima, was seen out with the Patriots’ Julian Edelman. Could you imagine Derek Jeter missing a game because some girl he used to date was with another dude? Barstool Sports’ Kevin Clancy said it best last week, “Jeter didn’t chase pussy, pussy chased Jeter.”

Of course I miss watching Jeter play every day. He was one of the best shortstops in the game for his entire career, and he hustled like he was a September call-up trying to earn his spot rather than the perennial All-Star that he was. But the Yankees are just fine without him. Didi Gregorious is a pleasure to watch play shortstop every day, and Gary Sanchez and Aaron Judge seem to be two of the biggest rising stars in baseball. But no one will ever crush life the way Derek Jeter did. Growing up with a Mariah Carey poster on your wall, only to eventually date and then dump her? Dating Minka Kelly for years, only to dump her, too? Marrying Hannah Davis? Derek Jeter is and always will be the definition of “this guy fucks.” No matter what team you support, that is surely something we can all RE2PECT.





Throwback to Dallas Braden’s Mother’s Day Perfect Game (2010)

Dallas Braden’s 2010 perfect game is one of the more touching moments in recent sports history, and certainly the best baseball Mother’s Day moment you could think of. Braden’s mother passed away of skin cancer when he was younger, and achieving the 19th perfect game in MLB history on Mother’s Day was Disney movie-esque. Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mom’s out there, today is for you! (Until the Jeter jersey retirement ceremony tonight, at least)